Feeling A Bit Better Now

I just talked to my sister she says that I will rise above this and I am already on my way. My sister says this guy wasn’t a good friend  anyway.  Even though I have known this guy for over five years it took me a long time to realize he compartmentalises his life.  

 In fact, he didn’t even call me on my birthday a few days ago. I guess he was “too busy” to send a “text”, “e-mail”, or even to make a “phone call” to wish me “happy birthday”. Of course when it was his birthday in May I was there for him even bought him  some gifts and wished him a happy birthday.

A real friend is someone that is honest and true someone that doesn’t “eschew” by hanging up the phone, not responding to e-mails, or texts and playing immature mind games. I forgot to mention this guy is twenty five years old he is an adult he is a grown ass man.

A real friend is someone that will actually “communicates” how he is feeling regardless of whether the news is good or bad. A real friend is someone that is honest  “instead” of being “dishonest” and “unresponsive”. 

 I realize this guy is just a  “fair weather friend”. When things are going well he is great to be around. When life gets difficult he refuses to talk and acts very immature. I guess because he wasn’t involved in the South Asian group in the summer he decided to spend more time with me.

 However, now he is back at school he has suddenly vanished once again. This is the typical behavior of a “fair weather friend.” At least I know the truth about his deleterious behavior now.

What Does Father’s Day Mean To You?

I have to be honest I don’t have a close relationship with my father. My father has a much more closer relationship with my heterosexual older brother. My older brother is the “golden boy” in my father’s eyes he doesn’t have to say it but it is true.

For instance, my heterosexual older brother he got married three years ago, he has a lovely wife I got to know when I was in Jamaica earlier this year. In my father’s eyes my brother is living the “good life” he is following the path that society says everyone is supposed to live by. I am viewed as the dirty homosexual living the “bad life”.

However, I am gay so in my father’s eyes I am viewed as “different” when I speak to him sometimes the conversations are awkward, fractured, and indifferent. There is no resonance to the words my father says to me. I notice the interaction my father has with my older brother and I see the warmth and his personality shines and he is happy talking to my brother. I don’t care about boxing, or cricket, or other baseball. The only sport I am passionate about is tennis.

I notice I don’t really relate well to heterosexual men. Maybe it is because heterosexual men have negative perceptions about gay men? I don’t know? All I know is there is more to me then just my sexual orientation. I don’t think about being “gay” twenty four seven. I don’t know what to say to straight men sometimes there is this distance? Perhaps it is all perception but I sense if a straight man “knows” I am gay they act differently around me. I don’t mean being rude or anything but being distant emotionally and maybe reticent.

If you read my book “You Don’t Know Me” there is a poem called “The Good Son” in the poem I explore my feelings on this issue. I am not sure if it is because my father can’t “relate” to me or what but we definitely don’t have the stereotypical traditional “father and son” relationship. I guess that’s the reason Father’s Day never meant much to me.

Maybe it is an issue of masculinity? Regardless of sexual orientation I think it is harder for men to be open about our feelings. I have a much more closer relationship with my younger sister and my mother they actually “tell me” what they are “feeling”. I don’t have a clue about my father I feel like I don’t exist in his universe. Maybe that’s just the way things are supposed to be?

Reconciliation

Last week Tuesday, during the evening I received a phone call from someone very close to me but there has been tension between us for the past month. Anyone that is paying attention to this saga knows we had a few arguments in the past month. I was being immature not examining my own life, my own self doubts. He has his own life and struggles. I think I was mad about myself and I was taking my frustrations out on him and that is totally unacceptable and unfair on my part.

I began to question myself and what I want out of my own life. I self loathe too much, put myself down far too often but that’s not his fault that’s my issue. I isolated myself and that’s never a good thing. I began to question do I really want to be a writer anymore? I know I can improve on myself and my work in so many ways to be more proficient. My work has been rejected so many times lately I am sick of it. My B.A. degree can only take me so far on this unresolved journey in my life. I need to do more for myself and try harder.

I applied to two M.A. creative writing programs. I also filled out an Ontario College Application form and I am applying to more practical programs. In Canada, there is an attitude that college is below university but now I realize college is probably even better. During my undergraduate days I learned a lot about theory but I am not sure I learned a lot about substance. I realize that I have expand myself and move beyond the invisible barriers that have held me prisoner for the past few years. The depression, unhappiness, despair, regret, and pain, has surrounded me for far too long. Its not his fault that I feel inadequate that’s my responsibility. After all, its my life.

We talked for over an hour about the recent strain between us. He suggested we meet in downtown Toronto  last week Wednesday to talk. I must admit I was a bit nervous seeing him. I wasn’t sure what we were going to say to each other? I haven’t seem him for a month so I didn’t know what to think? I was a bit nervous and scared. Would things be weird between us? Would there only be silence? Can we shatter the canyon of silence and elicit the truth? Would things flow and click when we talk to one another like before? I kept on thinking to myself I have to think of topics to talk about? I thought to myself on the Go Bus maybe I will ask him about this two sisters as a way to break the ice.

I caught the Go Bus and reached St. George subway station around 11:45 am. I am not sure if it was fate but we literally bumped into each other after getting off the subway at St. George! I had nothing to worry about the conversation was normal between us. Now of course, we were both surprised because we were supposed to meet at Bloor subway station but we  both reached St. George at the exact same time!

Anyway, we decided to take the subway down to College subway station and walked down to Dundas to a restaurant called Frans. Frans is a Toronto institution known for its great hamburgers, fries, and side orders. My friend he ordered a garden vegetable hamburger, lemonade, and tortilla chips. I ordered a cheese burger and fries. I noticed that he had shaved he looks handsome when he shaves. He admits that when he doesn’t shave it makes him look older. He told me that he shaved for me so I thought that was nice.

It took us an hour to finish our meal. After our meal he let me know he had two joints and wanted to smoke up. He suggested we go to a park but I thought that since it was just the afternoon it wasn’t a great idea.

Next, he suggested we visit the Toronto Islands and smoke some weed and hang out there instead of just shopping. I thought it was an excellent idea! It was spring so the weather wasn’t too cold to visit the Toronto Islands. We took the subway down to Union station caught a streetcar to travel to the ferry. The ferry ride cost $6 dollars Canadian and we boarded the ferry at 2 pm. I was surprised that the ferry was basically a tug boat. I have visited the Toronto Islands before and the ferry is usually more glamorous.

I guess since it is still winter season we went to Ward Island instead of Center Island. The ferry ride was wonderful the sun was shining, there was a slight gentle breeze, it was slightly windy and the water was the typical ghoulish green tinged color. Yes this is Toronto a place where the water is green. Anyway, we smiled and chatted. The Toronto skyline and the CN Tower was in the background as my thoughts burned into the sky.

Next, we arrived at Ward Island around 2:15pm we walked to a secluded area by some ornate rocks and trees and we smoked some weed. He suggested we do a “super” also known as a “shotgun”. I was thinking to myself “what is a super?” I had never heard of a “super” before. He is more experienced then me when it comes to smoking weed. A super is basically when the joint is almost finished and one person lights the joint and blows the smoke directly into the other person’s mouth.

When you do a “super” your lips are close to the other person’s lips so the weed travels directly into your mouth. It was an interesting feeling we did the “super” a couple more times. I don’t know if you can call a “super” a kiss but according to the information I’ve read a “super” is considered “intimate”.

We’ve kissed before though in the university newspaper’s office four years ago. I remember we were having a conversation and I closed my eyes to blink and then his lips were on mine. He also wrapped his arms around me but you know what was weird? After the kiss we didn’t speak to each other for an entire week after that. I guess we both freaked each other out?

Anyway, after we finished the joint we walked on the beach littered with cans, pop bottles, and broken sticks, he said “can we make up”. I said “sure”. The interesting thing about Ward’s Island is that not many people live there its actually a very quiet place. Next, we held hands and walked to some rocks at the edge of a cliff. It was beautiful looking at the rolling waves of the water splash against the rocks. He suggested we take some photos together. I noticed we never had any pictures together. He took some photos of me with his blackberry/phone standing by myself on some rocks and we also took some photos together.

One thing I’ve noticed is some of my blog entries have ended up on other websites such as Msnbc.com, Espn.com, and WTAWorld.com and other websites. Isn’t that interesting? So I can understand his perspective that he doesn’t want his photo on my blog and I respect his decision.

He actually has a picture of us together on another internet website. He doesn’t want his picture on the blog because he fears someone might “find out” about his sexual orientation and I respect his perspective. The interesting thing is though the other website that he posts pictures I think has a lot more hits then my blog. My sister told me I shouldn’t post pictures of myself either on this blog because she says it could be dangerous. I do recall receiving some weird messages from people that were mad at me about certain blog entries. In fact, one weirdo threatened me and told me he was going to find me. Weird stuff man! The thing is with wordpress I receive every single IP address of the people that want to post comments on this blog. The vast majority of the people that post comments on this blog are mature though.

I think its interesting that in some ways he’s actually more “out” about his sexual orientation then I am. It is inspiring to me that he has the courage to be “out” to most people that interact with him. I am the opposite my family knows about my sexual orientation, and yes I write, and yes I get published. The interesting thing about me is I am actually very cautious in the public sphere whom I disclose my sexual orientation to.

He’s “out” to friends and acquaintances, he’s “out” at the university, he’s even “out” at the South Asian group at the university. He was elected to a leadership position at the South Asian group recently. He told me that one of his sisters knows he is gay but the other sister most likely suspects he’s gay but they haven’t had the conversation about it. The only people that don’t know about his sexual orientation are his parents. I sense he’s a little bit nervous when I write these blog entries but I’m a writer. I have to write that’s how I express myself. Now of course, I understand now I do have to have more sensitivity when writing these blog entries. Words are powerful sometimes even more powerful then actual actions and language.

Next, we had a frank and serious discussion about the sexual tension between us. He is also younger me and maybe he needs to experience life a bit more? We admitted we are sexually attracted to each other but we also have known each other for over five almost six years. In fact, the first time we met was in December 2002 at the university at a gay and lesbian meeting. He tells me the first time he met me he thought I talked too much. I admit I am loquacious. It is kind of funny the first time we met through a mutual female friend at tense meeting between the gay men and the lesbians.

The direction of the gay group was crumbling and some gay men felt the lesbians were taking over the group. I have to admit the meeting in December 2002 was very intense. We kind of drifted off from the gay group with another friend and ended up at the school newspaper. The school newspaper was very gay positive and very friendly to gay men so we ended up going there.

We both decided why ruin a solid friendship? I love him and he told me he loves me but sex would change things. What is sex anyway? Sex is two hard bodies and a quart of rum stirred in a room. Is sex a connection, destination, or is sex something else? I mean I kind of still have body image issues. I am still trying to get my act together. I can admit this. I don’t like the way my face looks its just not thin enough. I am proud that I’ve lost about 30 pounds and I do look much slimmer it feels good to lose weight.

I’ve been in the situation in the past where I have been friends with some gay men only to have sex change the entire configuration of the friendship. I will admit though the other gay guys and I were more like acquaintances. I didn’t really know them long enough prior to sexual activity.I do remember the end result though the other gay guys I had sex with well they didn’t talk to me the morning after let’s just put it that way.

Actually, that’s not entirely true there was one guy I had known for six months from late 1999 to around the early part of 2000. We met at a gay group we hung out, we had sex, and then I never heard from him for six months. This particular guy he read an article of mine in Xtra! Canada’s largest gay newspaper and he wanted to pick up where we left off. But I didn’t appreciate the way he treated me and I knew I couldn’t turn back the clock. The conversation was strange between me and that guy and bizarre and that was the end of it.

Meanwhile, back on Ward’s Island at the beach my friend he told me as he hugged me that we have intimacy with each other . We were sitting on some rocks as the waves of water splashed around us. He says that a lot of gay men don’t have intimacy with one another. I think we have something special that is beyond sex and that’s intimacy. I think intimacy is an issue a lot of gay men don’t want to discuss it is the ability to have an emotional connection with another gay man. We cried, laughed, hugged, and talked about anything and everything.

I think my feelings are valid and legitimate about feeling upset last month but I also realize his feelings are valid as well. He was upset at me last month because I looked at his diary in his room and I invaded his privacy. I made sure I apologized face to face because talking to someone on a phone and apologizing is just words. When you look into someone’s eyes and apologize it is different it is sincere. He let me know my apology is accepted.

I understand now he has his own life and I have mine he has a right to meet new people and so do I. I also am cognizant of the fact I am a very important person in his life and he let me know this last week Wednesday. I cried it felt good to know that I have someone in my life that honestly cares about me . I have had superficial relationships with gay men in the past. The superficial relationships were about the usual gay resume of topics such as music, sex, gossip, clothes and other frivolous topics but never anything serious. We are different we have this emotional connection to each other and we want each other to be happy.

We caught the 4:15pm Ward Island ferry and returned to the mainland. After that we took the subway to Queen Street West and went to a cafe. He had two pieces of carrot cake and a cup of tea. I had a slice of cheese cake and some fresh juice. We decided to travel to Spadina around the University of Toronto and I bought a collection of Evelyn Lau’s collection of Short Stories “Choose Me”. Everyone knows I love Evelyn Lau’s work so I just had to buy this book! I think Evelyn Lau is one of Canada’s most talented young writers and her writing is filled with pathos, passion, pain, and incredible honesty.

A bit past 6:00pm he suggested we have dinner at an Indian restaurant. I had never been to an Indian restaurant before. I was a bit nervous. It was interesting to experience eating food from another culture. I do remember my mother making roti before when I was a kid but I haven’t eaten a lot of Indian food. The first appetizer was a piece of bread called naan it is thicker then roti.

I am so conditioned and used to eating food from the Occident. It was nice to try something new. Now since I have a Caribbean background of course I’ve eaten curry chicken, curry goat and seasoned food before. Anyway, we went to the Indian restaurant and he ordered lamb that was seasoned with curry it tasted great. I watched him take the piece of naan and a piece of lamb and eat it. I did the exact same thing I picked up a piece of naan with lamb and ate it. It tasted really good. I recognize this lamb I feel like I have eaten it before. I ordered a drink called a mango lassi it was delicious. The mango lassi is basically mangoes, yogurt, and sugar it is a fabulous drink.

Finally around a bit past 7:30pm last week Wednesday we decided it was time to go home I had a good time it was nice seeing him again. I will have fond memories when I think about that day. We were honest with each other and were able to open up to one another as well.

I arrived home around 9:30pm. I don’t know why but I felt guilty about eating a cheeseburger, and the slice of cheesecake so I decided I better hit the treadmill and start working out. I worked out for about 45 minutes of cardiovascular activity and I lifted some weights after. I took a quick shower to cool off and I decided to read some Evelyn Lau’s amazing collection of short stories “Choose Me”. I will review “Choose Me” by Evelyn Lau a little bit later on this month or perhaps early next month.

Is This The End?

I can admit I am not the easiest person to get along with. Why should I lie about this? I am also an emotional sensitive person. I am complex. I can be insecure and reticent at times, I can isolate myself from other people, not wanting to talk to anyone. There are moments when I don’t want to talk to anybody and I just want to be alone in the darkness.

Other times I can be outgoing and loquacious. I guess if you ever read this blog you would know I can be dramatic at times. I can be temperamental, moody, and edgy too. I am cognizant of the fact that these character flaws are a part of me. I am also not a wallflower.

I am also a loving person and if I care about somebody I let the individual know about it. If I love someone I show it. If I love somebody he is going to know about it. I don’t hide my love I never have and I never will. I don’t hide my feelings either. I refuse to dissemble my emotions this is not my personality. I don’t placate. I’m not exactly the most outgoing kind of person but if I love and care for someone I will let him know it.

On Sunday afternoon I received a bombshell during a conversation from a guy I thought was my friend. Is he trying to make me feel jealous? And if he is trying to make me feel jealous why? I don’t understand? Is he trying to tell me something? I guess he’s saying this new guy he met at the university is more important to him then me. So why does he even bother calling me at all?

The friend told me that next year he’s moving in with some new man he met at the university this past school year. He didn’t even ask me if I wanted to live with him? But then again, I am not sure I want to live with anyone else anyway? But that’s not the point now is it? The point is the friend didn’t ask me. Why does he talk to me anyway? I mean this new person is so special and wonderful maybe he should make it permanent and be around him all the time? At least I wouldn’t have to hear about it?

Isn’t this interesting? I already had a conversation with the friend about his passive aggressive attitude and he admits he can be reticent. He definitely separates people into different categories it seems. My perspective is this guy shifts from one person and leaves the other person in the dust. During a phone conversation on Saturday the friend he says he doesn’t always feel the need to say things.

Well what am I supposed to do read his mind? I’m not Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost! I’m not Dionne Warwick and the Psychic Friends Network! I’m not Ms. Cleo! I can’t read minds telepathically through a telephone! If he’s got something to say speak up don’t be coy!

I do wonder if this has anything to do with the issue of race? I am going to be honest here my friend is South Asian and I am black. The guy my friend has been spending a lot of time with lately is also South Asian. Perhaps the friend can relate to the other South Asian guy because they share the same culture? Maybe I am just out of the loop? And perhaps this is more about my friend growing as a person I guess? Maybe we are too different? Is it a racial or cultural divide going on here perhaps? I am not South Asian, I can’t speak Hindi or Punjabi. I wish I could speak another language. I do know a bit of French I am not fluent in French though. I always thought about improving my French skills but that’s another blog entry.

I don’t really know if Toronto has a black gay community? Maybe Toronto isn’t the city for me anyway? The African and Caribbean communities in Toronto have entrenched homophobia. The quandary is Toronto’s black gay scene is hidden. Maybe I should try harder to find it? I know black homosexual events take place in Toronto but many black gays have fun outside the boundaries of Toronto’s queer community. Many black gays and lesbians don’t bother to visit the gay epicenter of Church and Wellesley in Toronto. I can’t say I blame black gays for avoiding Church Street. Church Street can be an extremely pretentious place. In fact, there have been incidents of racism between black gays and lesbians and owners of certain Toronto gay bars.

I remember I was part of a group though during my undergraduate days run by SOY Toronto called Black Queer Youth Initiative. But I haven’t been to BQY in years. And I’ve moved beyond that phase in my life.

Maybe the racial and cultural issue is inevitable? Maybe this is just a part of life perhaps? Canada may be a multicultural mosaic but there is Little Italy, China Town, Little India, and other pockets of the city where various communities stick to their own. I mean people want to be around people they can relate to people of the same race right? Maybe because I am black I am not good enough for him? I have thought about this. Perhaps it only makes sense that he’s going to want to be more close to other South Asian people?

This friend he has been avoiding me like the plague for about a month yet he calls me just about every single day. I don’t understand? If he doesn’t want to see me why does he want to talk to me? Why does he call me everyday? Am I just supposed to be there for him all the time in spirit or what? He calls me and tells me about the problems he’s having with his family and his sisters. He tells me a lot of things that are deep yet I don’t see him. So I’m just supposed to listen and not talk about unresolved issues? Why? I am confused at times does he like me or not? Does he love me?

On Sunday afternoon I just decided I had enough. I just couldn’t talk to him. I needed some fresh air and I got out. I needed to take a walk and be alone for a while.

The friend called Monday evening and he says “how are you doing?” He acted as though nothing was going on. He seems to think whenever he “wants” to speak to me I am just supposed to drop everything to “listen to him”. I am not an automatic switch or something. He is totally taking me for granted! Why? I find this strange that he shifts from people he is definitely compartmentalizing his life. I don’t appreciate this. I don’t appreciate being pushed aside and then picked up when necessary.I don’t want anyone to pity me either!

I understand that people need to talk to other people because that’s how life is. I never said the friend cannot meet new people or socialize with other people. I never suggested this. However, what I don’t understand is what makes this so called friend think he can avoid me for about a month and expect me to be waiting for him whenever he feels like it? Give me a break!

Well maybe I don’t want to see him and maybe I don’t want to talk to him either. I mean does he even give a fuck about me? Does he love me? Does he care about what’s going on in my life ? The issue I have with this so called friend isn’t the fact that he’s spending time with other people. The central theme here is that he’s not spending anytime with “me.” He just jumps from one person to the next. I think that’s the main reason I am upset about right now.

Why should I be subjected to phone conversations when this friend is talking about the amazing experiences he’s been having. For the past month this friend he never said “well Orville would you like to see a movie or a play or go to a club or something?” No he didn’t! And when I did say to the friend the other day “what are you doing in April?” he didn’t provide an answer.

So why is this friend calling me all the time blowing up my telephone? Why talk to me at all? After all I am not really a part of this friend’s life anymore now am I? I mean why should I sit and listen to another one of these conversations while he’s talking about all of the so called fabulous things he’s doing with other people. I am sick of this!

I specifically told the friend in another phone conversation I don’t appreciate his passive aggressive behavior. I prefer the truth. It is obvious he is trying to create distance between us. If these new people are so amazing well then he should be around them. I am not stopping him. I don’t like feeling horrible and miserable. I mean he’s been avoiding me for the past month spending time with “other people”.

So why does this friend expect me to sit on the phone listening to him talk about these experiences? And why should I listen to him? Why should I stand for this bullshit?

I just decided to myself on Sunday afternoon as I was walking trying to collect my thoughts why should I play these games? We are adults here so let’s not play these mind games.

On Monday evening when the friend called I just said “I can’t talk to you right now.” And he said “are you going to call me later on in the evening?” And I replied “I just can’t talk to you right now.” I didn’t know what to say to him. I was so tense. The emotion within me was sizzling. I wanted to reach through the telephone and smack the friend across the face! I was throbbing with anger. I didn’t feel like having an argument because what’s the point about doing that?

I am not fighting it anymore. If this friend wants to move in with another guy well then move in with the other guy I’m not stopping him. I am not telling the friend to live his life. However, I also refuse to just “wait” around anymore. I’m not static I am a real, living, and breathing human being with blood, atoms, cells, and feelings. I’m not going to let anyone treat me like this either.

I am taking the advice I got and I am focusing on myself right now. I’m applying to some programs and I doing some other things to help myself. I had a meeting with a former professor last week and he said he is going to write a letter of recommendation for me. Last week Tuesday I also had lunch with the professor on campus and the friend said “well why didn’t you call me?” Well why should I? Well does my life revolve around this guy? He’s made it pretty clear that he prefers to spend time with this new guy he’s been focusing all of his energies on. I get it three is a crowd. I get the hint I’m not stupid. I’m too old for this bullshit.

There are so many things I want to accomplish such as getting another book published that’s like a top priority of mine right now. I have a lot of other issues going on in my life right now. I can’t even talk about the other issues with this friend because I am not even sure if I could anyway? I’ve made a decision I’m going to act like a mature adult here. Okay, I am calm now. I don’t want to scream and argue there is no point in doing this. If this friend wants to be around this other guy so much then do it? Just leave me out of it. Now if this friend wants to see me fine and if he doesn’t then that’s fine too. I’m not taking this anymore I have had enough.

Poem: Unattainable Crush by Orville Lloyd Douglas

You wake up every night twisting and turning on your bed trying to shake this fantasy. It feels like a pair of hand cuffs you can’t shake it off you won’t surrender. You don’t want the cold steel to be removed from your burning wrists. You want to throw the key away and remain a prisoner in this dream for an eternity.

The man’s words are intoxicating so alluring he draws you

deeper

deeper

deeper

Into a trance

The intense feelings continue to build and increase in your mind. You fall asleep and the fantasy picks up right where you left it the night before. You can see it in the man’s eyes this hunger, this flicker of hope but also of reticence. Could he be yours? Why doesn’t he belong to you? If only? If only? If only?

You open your eyes and sit up on your bed realizing this isn’t real yet when you fall back asleep it feels so right. You are at the edge of passion, of betrayal, of deceit, and pain. Standing at the cliff you would rather jump off to be with him than to live a boring life. You are ready to give up everything for this man in your fantasies he is everything you could of dreamed for in a man.

The man is closer to you then a celebrity you’ve actually met this man before. The man has been kind and affectionate towards you but he also is someone that you respect. At first you don’t think about him in a romantic sense because you don’t really know everything about him either. The man actually showers you with attention but you know two souls colliding could be dangerous like a car accident.

The smashing of bodies into the fire of your lust is deleterious. The danger is what excites you it invigorates you like an elixir. You desire and crave for more like a drunk you just can’t stop. You are so close to touching his skin, so near to his tender lips to touching yours. You can smell the aroma of the man’s breath, feel his strong manly hands squeeze your body tight in an embrace. You know whenever you are in this man’s arms you are protected he is a warrior he will valiantly fight for you. The fear of the man knowing and the stench of rejection is more fuel for you to continue to keep on going. The battle for the man’s heart is like an electrocution through your veins you feel so alive with him.

He can be a gay or straight man, he could be married, or maybe he is a doctor, police officer, fire fighter, paramedic, teacher, an acquaintance, or someone you’ve known for a long time. You think about him and you yearn for him but you know he can’t be yours because its too toxic leading to a disaster. The relationship can destroy lives but the unknown is precarious as well.

For some reason the man is within your grasp yet he is still so far away. You start to find this man more sexually appealing in your fantasies. In your dreams he can be anyone and he does anything you say and command. In your mind he’s perfect he can do no wrong. Yet in the end you wake up in a cold sweat realizing he’s an unattainable crush.

Am I Just The Gay Friend?

I need to blow off some steam here so let me have this rant this taste of exploration and self discovery.I need to express myself so I am composing this blog entry trying to investigate my feelings and emotions to dig beneath the surface of my fears. Maybe I sound like I am self loathing or immature but I need to direct my thoughts from my mind on to the keyboard. I am going to talk about my frustrations right here and right now. I am so confused about my life right now.I need clear vision and some focus. I will admit I do need to focus more attention on myself more and my own problems. So I am going to write about something that has been on my mind.

Last night I decided to call a friend I have not heard from in a week. Why didn’t he call me for an entire week? I don’t understand? I think that’s kind of disrespectful. I muster up the courage to give the pal a call early this morning because I figure I need to get to the bottom of this. I need to know what’s going on here. I call the friend early in the morning close to 1:00 am. Anyway, the friend is in a cab on his way home he claims he just left a female friend’s house.

Maybe I am being jealous but I recall my friend telling me he has known this girl since he was a child they grew up together. I can’t compete with her? And I don’t want to compete with her. I know I would lose. I am not suggesting that my friend cannot talk to or socialize with other people. I hope I don’t come across this way. Of course I want him to talk and meet new people. Maybe I am the problem? I need to focus on myself a bit more perhaps?

I admit that’s a close bond my friend has with this girl they grew up together. I thought we had a close bond and friendship ? I thought he liked me? But I’ve noticed a pattern in the last few weeks. I’ve known my pal for over six years he is actually one of the few people that actually gives a damn about me. I can honestly say that. I believe he is one of the few people in this world that actually cares for me. I remember I had an incident in December 2007 and I was all distraught and depressed and he was very loving and affectionate visiting me.

He’s always been there for me and I’ve always been there for him on an emotional level. I really do care for him deeply I want him to be happy. I always wanted him to have internal and external peace. Now of course everyone’s journey is different. I should point out my friend is still in the closet about his sexual orientation his parents don’t know he’s gay. Perhaps this has to do with the fact my friend is living a double life? Maybe this has something to do with his reticence? He seems very cautious at times. I wonder why?

Our conversation was weird this morning there were some silent patches. Usually he is loquacious and this morning he wasn’t. There are fragmented thoughts, split seconds of silence, and a blank void of no noise. It just wasn’t one of our usual conversations when I don’t need to think and I can say whatever is on my mind. Last night I didn’t feel like I had the freedom that I had before when we talk. I felt like my thoughts and words were locked in a cage, and held in a prison. Early this morning I feel scared, frightened, like I am walking on a egg shells. I wasn’t sure if I should call but I decided I had to. For the first time in a long time I don’t know what to say to him? Why is there this canyon of silence?

I decided to shift the discussion into a direction that appears neutral I ask the friend about another person we know he becomes all excited talking about her. It now dawns on me that this friend lately in the past few weeks has only called me on the weekends to do gay stuff. We usually smoke weed, go shopping, go to gay bars, go to bathhouses I actually enjoy doing that stuff. It is the usual gay resume. I don’t mind doing that stuff but I always want to know more. Maybe I am a bit inquisitive? I want to peek into my friend’s mind see his real private life?

I have always asked my friend if I can visit his house. I have always been curious about my friend’s residence. I don’t know why perhaps I want to put some context into learning more about him? I’ve known him for over six years and yet I realized I had never visited his house before. I also understand my friend has conservative parents and they place a lot of pressure on him. The pressure is intense and maybe he is negotiating how to live in the public and private spheres? Am I out of line wanting to know more? Is this a valid emotion? Or am I being rude?

Finally a few weeks ago my friends parents went away to India for a wedding and vacation. Last week Monday my friend finally suggests that I visit his house. I was excited and it was a revelation. My friend’s house is beautiful he lives in a detached red brick house . He tells me that very few people actually have visited his house. The kitchen is expansive the cupboards are a solid oak wood color and texture. The tiles are linoleum. We walk upstairs to his bedroom and I notice his bedroom is quite small compared to the other bedrooms in the house.

My friend’s room is also a bit messy but I don’t mind. I see pants, socks, books, scattered across the dresser and room. Perhaps my friend was embarrassed that his room was messy? I don’t know? I guess he didn’t have time to fix up the room or something? My friend hands me a British gay magazine called Gay Times that he bought for me when he was in England last December. I flip through the magazine and sit on my friend’s bed. I give back the DVD copy of “My Beautiful Laundrette”, his hat, and some other stuff I borrowed from him. I glance out the window and look at the snow. The snow is a blanket the color of indifference, the color of unanswered questions, the color of thoughts in my mind.

My friend suddenly becomes nervous and suggests we go downstairs and have lunch. I am curious why is my pal so nervous anyway? I wonder why does my friend want me to leave his room right now? I mean I haven’t even gotten a chance to look around it. We start wrestling don’t ask lol! I think I am a bit stronger then my friend is and somehow we end up on his bed I am on top of him (with clothes on of course) and we are still wrestling. My friend says I am stronger then he thought I was. He says he’s into wresting.

I must admit something I should be honest while my friend was in the kitchen preparing lunch I noticed a book on his shelf and I opened it. It was an old diary of my friend’s from the earlier part of this decade. I opened it and looked at it. I know it was wrong for me to do this. Perhaps that’s why my friend is upset? I invaded his privacy. Or maybe he thinks me visiting his house is an invasion I don’t know?

I always wondered what does my friend’s house looked like. I mean my friend has seen my house before he knows where I live he’s been in my bedroom a few times. I thought we had a lot of fun last week Monday. My friend provides a tour of his house, we have lunch in the kitchen, I got to see his backyard. I thought it was a nice visit.

Anyway, my friends parents have just returned last week Tuesday from India. Suddenly, I don’t hear from my friend for an entire week. I wonder what is going on? Did I upset him in some way? Why the sudden distance? Did I do something wrong? Is he mad at me? Am I being insecure and sensitive? Am I just the gay friend? Is this all I am to him? Is this all he thinks of me? I’ve known this guy for over six years but in the last few weeks he’s been acting different. I hate this passive aggressive bullshit. If he wants to tell me something he should just say it!

Am I being sensitive here? Perhaps? I now realize I really need to get my own life. All week I was agonizing over the fact that this pal of mine was mad at me or something. Maybe he is mad at me I don’t know? Or maybe I am being overtly sensitive again. However, I sense a change in this friend. I was wondering why hasn’t he called me this past week?

I saw the friend last week Monday and I visited his house and he seemed okay. So why the indifference now? Is this friend trying to tell me something? I thought this friend and I were close because he tells me that he talks to me about things he doesn’t tell his two female confidants. He tells me things about the emotional issues he’s had within himself, he tells me about the conflict he has with his parents, he tells me about the problems he’s had with his sisters. He tells me a lot of stuff. I even asked the friend doesn’t he talk to his female friends about this serious emotional stuff? He says no. I am surprised.

Am I analyzing too much? I don’t know? I don’t want to be a bother to him I want him to be happy. Maybe he doesn’t really like me anymore? He started to attend a South Asian club at the university and I think that’s a positive thing. Its weird though the conversation this morning it was like I was talking to a stranger. He didn’t sound like himself. Maybe he was tired or maybe I am being too sensitive? I don’t know? Does anyone have any advice?

Can Queen Latifah Come Out As A Lesbian & Still Have The Respect Of The Black Community?

The blogs are  exploding with rumours that Queen Latifah and her girlfriend Jeanette Jenkins are going to have a commitment ceremony. The other story is, that Queen Latifah may officially come out as a lesbian. I doubt Queen Latifah will come out of the closet right now.

However,  she isn’t lying she is a lesbian and she’s not hiding either. Queen Latifah basically lives in the glass closet. Everybody, already knows Queen  is in love with her  “fitness trainer” Jeanette Jenkins. Whenever, Queen is promoting a movie, at a celebrity event, or just doing regular things Jeanette is always there. Now one argument is, that Jeanette is just Queen Latifah’s good friend, but people can tell they are a couple.

Queen Latifah is aware of the fact the public lens is watching her. She never show up at a movie premiere or a high profile celebrity event dressed as a butch. At high profile celebrity events Queen Latifah always looks glamorous in elegant gowns, carefully applied makeup, and high heels. Once Queen Latifah is off the celebrity platform she can be seen riding her motorcycle and dresses like a typical butch lesbian. Queen Latifah carefully navigates the butch and feminine imagery in the public sphere.

Some people believe the rumours go back to 1996 when Queen Latifah played the butch lesbian Cleo in the hit film “Set It Off”. However, the rumours about Queen Latifah and Jeanette Jenkins are intensifying not because of what Queen says but what she doesn’t say. When was the last time you saw Queen Latifah with a man? It is a fair question.

I am not suggesting just because a woman is single for a long time means she’s gay. However, we have never ever seen Queen Latifah romantically linked to a man we always see her with Jeanette. The public is shrewd enough to connect the dots and discern that Queen Latifah is a lesbian.

In the October 2007 issue, of Ebony magazine, Queen Latifah was actually asked by Ebony if she was dating Jeanette Jenkins. Ebony is the top black magazine in the world and Ebony usually never asks black stars personal questions. Ebony is all about black community “uplift”, and not about getting involved with black stars private lives. Ebony can be boring at times but the interview with Queen Latifah was definitely interesting. However, Queen Latifah provided a very evasive answer and didn’t deny she was a lesbian.

Queen Latifah is also cognizant of the fact since she’s a black lesbian she cannot just come out like Ellen Degeneres. Ellen Degeneres had the support of the liberal white American media on her side. Queen Latifah’s situation is a bit more precarious since she is a black lesbian. Would the black media support Queen Latifah if she declared she is a lesbian? Degeneres was on the cover of Time Magazine in 1997 when she came out. Degeneres is also not a movie star she’s a comedian and she’s also white.

Queen Latifah does have more barriers because she is a black lesbian and her core audience are black Americans. Although Queen Latifah has “crossed over” in the last couple of years into the mainstream with Cover Girl and numerous other high profile endorsements. Queen Latifah always presents the image that she “cares” about what the black community thinks about her.

It appears to me Queen Latifah is struggling navigating the questions about her sexuality. Again, Queen Latifah has never been seen dating a man. Queen Latifah always says in interviews she’s looking for a “good brother” or she hasn’t found the “right man” yet. It is obvious Queen Latifah is a lesbian the public can read between the lines. Black Celebrities have it tougher because they have to deal with the public and private spheres.

Black celebrities are a part of pop culture the media and the public become curious when they notice certain things. Queen Latifah’s “personal life” has always been off limits. Of course, on the one hand that’s important everyone wants to maintain a certain level of mystery and have some privacy. On the other hand, it is well known publicists of the closeted black gay stars also understand in maintaining the status quo. There are numerous female rappers that are gay but they don’t have the same high profile Queen Latifah has so the media and public are apathetic to them.

It is well known that different cultures view homosexuality differently. I actually think because Queen Latifah is a black lesbian it would be much easier for her to come out. There is an anti lesbian attitude in society and lesbians do encounter discrimination in relation to gender and sexual orientation. However, the mainstream doesn’t have the same fear of lesbianism as it does with male homosexuality. There is still an intense hatred society has for gay men.

I definitely think there is so much negativity towards black gay male sexuality. It would be very difficult for a black gay man to come out. For instance, R&B Tevin Campbell was caught soliciting an undercover male police officer. Tevin has not come out of the closet but is an open secret in the black community that he’s gay. Tevin is currently on Broadway in the play “Hairspray”.

Everyone, in the black global community knows Luther Vandross was gay yet during his lifetime Luther never disclosed his sexual orientation. It was an open secret that Luther was indeed gay. Luther Vandross had a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy with the black audience. We all sing Luther’s songs, attend his concerts, buy the DVDs and CDs. However, the game was that Luther was asexual or at least he had to appear asexual for us to respect him.

Ebony, Essence, Upscale, Vibe, and the other black entertainment publications never asked Luther about his homosexuality. The topic was off limits. I think that’s the tragedy of Luther’s life that he wasn’t able to be himself in the public sphere. Its the hypocrisy of the black community that’s disconcerting. On black blogs such as Bossip, Crunk and Disorderly, Mediatakeout, and other black blogs the homophobia can be incredible.

Another point to consider, is openly gay and closeted black gay stars cannot count on the mainstream white gay community as a potential market. Black gay stars are rarely ever mentioned in the mainstream white gay media. Black gay and lesbian celebrities know their main market is the black audience.

If you bother to pick up the glossy white gay magazines such as Out Magazine, Girlfriends Magazine, or the Advocate you will notice gay people of colour don’t exist. If you surf some of the white gay media blogs there is a condescending, patronizing, and racist attitude towards black gays and lesbians. Black gays and lesbians we are marginalized due to race, gender, and sexuality.

A few white mainstream gay media blogs, have a “corner” on their websites marked “gay people of colour” as if that’s all we are. Being black and gay is more then just being displaced and branded on some white gay media website. We are multi dimensional people and there is more to us then being categorized and stigmatized into a cardboard box. I find these kinds of barriers limiting no wonder some black gays don’t trust the white gay community.

You will also notice most of the time the people on the cover the mainstream gay magazines are white gays not black gays. Also, when the Advocate does have a black star on the cover the celebrity is usually straight. For example, Mary J Blige was recently on the cover of The Advocate. The public image of blackness is still compulsory heterosexuality and once again black gays and lesbians we are branded as “the other”.

Even in lesbian pop culture on the television program the L Word why is the only black woman on the program Pam Grier’s character straight? Why isn’t Grier’s character a lesbian? The L Word is about lesbians and bisexual women yet the only black woman on the program is heterosexual. I find this annoying, irritating, but not surprising. Black lesbians are once again displaced in pop culture. The producers and writers behind the L Word have a right to do whatever they want it is their show. However, I think Pam Grier’s character should be a lesbian not a heterosexual woman. We need more representations of black lesbians in pop culture. Yes, Jennifer Beals plays a lesbian on the L Word but Jennifer Beals has never declared that she is a “part” of the black community. Beals is mixed race and she’s always kept a distance from the black race and black issues.

There is an eerie silence to the issue of racism and prejudice of the mainstream white gay media. Luther Vandross never attempted to reach out to the white gay press during his lifetime. Vandross simply did not trust the gay white media. Rosie O Donnell and Ellen Degeneres are white lesbians they are a part of the white gay American community. Queen Latifah is a black lesbian although she is popular she is not white. The white gay press also has a consistent racist paternalistic attitude to the issue of homophobia in the black community. Meanwhile, the white gay press ignores the bigotry within the white race. It will be interesting to see what Queen Latifah will do? The questions about Queen Latifah’s sexuality have even entered mainstream media publications. Everyone is just waiting to see when Queen Latifah will come out or not?

I think there might be a slight backlash against Queen Latifah if she came out as a lesbian. Some people may be shocked but there have been rumours of other high profile black female celebrities being lesbians as well.

There have never ever been a high profile A list black lesbian celebrity to come out of the closet yet. Although the former WNBA basketball star Sheryl Swoopes did come out a few years ago. The public was apathetic to Swoopes coming out announcement people just shrugged their shoulders. Swoopes was very brave in coming out of the closet. Swoopes is an Olympic gold medalist. However, since women’s basketball has a low profile in the American sports culture there was indifference to Swoopes coming out.

Nobody, was shocked when Swoopes declared she is a lesbian. Although it may not be politically correct to say this the WNBA has the public image of being a haven for lesbianism. There are a lot of stereotypes associated with women’s sports. Swoopes, coming out as a black lesbian didn’t exactly shatter these stereotypes. Although, it was commendable that Swoopes came out it just wasn’t a big story. Queen Latifah’s situation is entitely different she’s a well known A list Hollywood movie star. I think there is still the unknown and that’s probably the reason Queen Latifah hasn’t come out yet.