I Am Back In Toronto Making Choices & Taking My Opportunities.

Last weekend, I made the right choice to get outside my comfort zone and attend the black gay men’s retreat outside of Toronto.

Although some people may think of me as some kind of black gay warrior, the truth is, sometimes I get lonely.  Sometimes I have feelings of doubt and I question myself. I feel that Toronto’s gay community is like a dysfunctional family. I learned it is okay to say I want support, I want to connect with people, I want to make new friends. Sometimes  I think I  can solve everything on my own but that is not necessarily true. I am a human being and social isolation will solve nothing and just create more feelings of loneliness and despair.

I am cognizant that,  it is deleterious to isolate myself. I have a predilection to having very good ideas but I panic and chicken out! I really happy that I took my opportunity that was available and challenged myself. It can be emotionally draining to introduce myself to new people but it is also very rewarding experience as well.

I am proud of myself that I made the right  decision to attend the retreat. I must admit, I was a bit apprehensive,  I was nervous, anxious, I had doubts that flooded my mind.  I only knew a few people prior to attending the retreat. However, I learned a lot that is very empowering being around people are in a similar circumstances such as myself. Although Canada is considered a progressive nation in relation to LGBT rights, the truth is, there is still stigma against gay and lesbian people.

Race is a social construction, we all know this and black feminist bell hooks reminds us that “race” still matters. In Toronto, the LGBT community is white dominated and I am not suggesting that there are not some decent white LGBT people out there because there are some. I am simply arguing that, when you have multiple layers of identities it is sometimes important to gain strength, courage, from being around your own kind. Last weekend, it was nice talking and getting to know black people who are LGBT. In African and Caribbean communities in Toronto, being gay and lesbian is still socially taboo.

The black Toronto newspaper Share Magazine does not discuss “homosexuality” at all. The other black Canadian newspapers such as Pride, Caribbean Camera, there is no  discourse  with homosexuality. The black Toronto media treat black gays and lesbians as though we are invisible and don’t exist. I guess the attitude is, don’t write about black queers and we will just remain quiet?  The message the Caribbean media are sending is, homosexuality does not exist in our community. Of course, we all know this is ludicrous and false. Last weekend,  I saw with my own damn eyes a plethora of black gay men that are intelligent, handsome, educated, smart, and  talented.  My birthday present to myself was getting outside, beyond my own fears, doubts, taking a chance and realizing I am not alone.