The Lesbian Community Calls Director & Screenwriter Lisa Cholodenko A Sell Out For Her Controversial Film “The Kids Are All Right.”
After reading her review on AfterEllen of The Kids Are All Right , I decided to send her an email about my frustration with the steamy affair between Jules and Paul. We had an interesting debate which is why I decided to post it here.
My first email to Dorothy :
Hi,
My name is Jamie and I’m writing to you concerning your review about The Kids Are Alright. I’m extremely disappointed that you support this movie given the “lesbian cheats with a man” plot twist. I’m wondering if your review would have been as positive if the director had been a straight man? I seriously doubt it. Why is it that AfterEllen was so critical of the “lesbian cheats with a man” storyline in QueerAsFolk with the following comment:
“The lesbian-who-sleeps-with-a-man plot device has been used so frequently in entertainment that it dwarfs almost all other representations of lesbians on screen (except perhaps the equally frustrating lesbian-motherhood plot device, which QAF also employs regularly), and gives the impression that it occurs more frequently in real life than it actually does–that in fact, most lesbians want to sleep with men, rather than just a few”
… but is not as critical of The Kids Are Alright when the director, Lisa Cholodenko, has made it quite clear in interviews that she was more interested in reaching out to the male audience than alienating the lesbian community (her words)? And of course, what better way to reach out to straight men by having a lesbian cheat on her long-term female partner with a man in an explicit way! It is a sad, sad day when a LESBIAN director cannot make a movie about lesbians without having one of them sleep with a man. Almost every mainstream movie that has come out in the past 15 years has had that storyline: Chasing Amy, It’s Just Sex, Gigli, She Hate Me, Lost and Delirious, tv shows like Queer As Folk, The L Word, Nip Tuck as well as a growing number of shows around the world that I’ve been watching. If the two women are happy, if they have a baby, then a man comes along and threatens their relationship. You would think that Cholodenko would know how unbelievably frustrating it is to lesbians to have our sexuality constantly dismissed by the entertainment industry… but no, she wants to cater to men… well, good for her, she definately succeeded by downplaying the lesbian sex while making the straight sex much more important by having a straight man fuck a lesbian in such a graphic way.
It doesn’t matter that the movie is good and features great performances by great actresses. It doesn’t matter that the movie normalizes lesbian love and family because Cholodenko gives men the satisfaction and reassurance that they are still needed in the bedroom. It confirms what many men have believed for a long time and it’s that even though women can have strong, loving romantic relationships, men are still needed SEXUALLY. The movie absolutely CEMENTS this concept by having the lesbian enjoy the straight sex much more than with her female partner!
Would the movie have been praised if it featured two gay men in a long-term relationship where one of them has explicit sex with the surrogate mother of their children because he can’t control his heterosexual urges for some hot vagina after having been with a man all this time? No, because gay men are taken seriously and the movie would have been labeled homophobic especially if it was the BILLIONTH TIME that this storyline was played out like it has been for lesbians.
This plot device is a complete slap in the face by Cholodenko who should have known better, much much better since she is a lesbian which makes her even more guilty than any straight male director. Do not be surprised if in the very near future, you have to review many more movies where a lesbian cheats with a man because of the success of The Kids Are Alright. The fact that a lesbian director would include this storyline validates it. Period.
Here are a few of the many many negative comments on AfterEllen (wrath of lesbians):
Chappy wrote: “You have to give your toaster back….. Saw the movie here in NYC last night and my girlfriend and I were cringing , truly disappointed that you had Julianne’s character devour the sperm donor “Dad”….And I do mean devour…she couldnt have been more sexually starved for ….A man.Do ya know what message ya sent ma’am? Ya sent out the message that allllll those straight men are correct in thinking ( and all too many times saying) that all us lesbians need is a good man. You blew it hon….You had a stellar cast, strong gorgeous storyline…and ya blew it.”
Bianca wrote: “I really cannot support yet another movie that has a lesbian character sleep with a man for some baseless, superficial reason. It’s laughable that critics are attempting to pass this movie off as an eye-opening experience during such an important time for the civil rights of the LGBT community when the storyline feeds into old stereotypes about lesbian women and insults the audience by parading itself as something it’s not.”
Nikscorpio wrote: “Can we have a lesbian relationship in film where a man isn’t the obstacle to overcome? Is it like written in a handbook somewhere that when you make a lesbian movie that a possible hetero relationship is ALWAYS the main antagonist? You don’t see straight couples in movies where a gay relationship is any sort of obstacle to overcome. Their drama comes from somewhere else. Anywhere and everywhere else! There are so many other things that can cause tension with a couple and a family.”
Tapette wrote: “This would never happen in a story about gay men and that is the problem. There would never be a version of Chasing Amy called Chasing Adam. Tina was tempted away from Bette by her lust for men, the same thing happened to only lesbian couple on Queer as Folk, yet not once in all 5 seasons of the American Queer as Folk did a gay male couple break up or struggle over one of its members’ lustful desires for a woman.”
Miso9 wrote: “They may have real love, but real sex and lust is clearly with a man only.
My review: Penis Intimidation and a Missed Chance
I love a movie like this. In an instant it revels so much about the character, placement, and fears of a movement.
Like it or not the creator of this film puts themselves in a place to play a role in a very important outcome. Like it or not, Lisa Cholodenko has played a role in an ongoing civil rights movement. The role she is playing, the hand she just laid down, is a bust. In the end, while a normality is achieved and an interesting view is shown, it still does nothing but give weight that every lesbians just needs some “good deep dicking.” If there were merely coffee table conversation and re-hashing lines from Chasing Amy, I wouldn’t care. In fact, I think I would enjoy it. However, when we are of a time where every opinion counts, it appears Lisa Cholodenko just painted on black face and danced while eating watermelon.
To me this isn’t about penis intimidation. I will say I find it funny how up in arms and insecure women get about “men” trying to bring women back over to their team. Women who will use any excuse to label a celebrity as bisexual if given the chance, but only if she is with a woman. For the record, I don’t identify as anything because I am a labelphobic but I have been with only women all of my adult life and most of my teen years. I don’t really see this changing.
If you look at what happened in Brokeback Mountain, you didn’t see people get up in arms about the fact that they both ended up marrying women or having children. It was understood, they are gay, they just can’t express it. With Julianne Moore though you allow the view of gender roles to give way. You get nervous about a sexuality that is generally more “fluid” for the female sex. I believe there are more gray lines with women, and there always will be. It the end, I have yet to meet a woman where it is all about sex and the visual. Perhaps that is why I am drawn to them, but enough about that.
The problem with this movie to me is not that she is with a man or that any woman chooses to be with a man over a woman. The problem is that this movie comes at too important of a time for our movement. It isn’t as if we have all the rights and that the majority isn’t still in control of our lives. No, those straight men and women the writer is trying to desperately (and obviously) appeal to, did more damage than good. This will only give more fire power to the idea that lesbian relationships are flaky and only because of the absence of men. Do I care so much what people say at the water cooler on if I can keep my woman or not? Yes, yes I do when those very people are deciding important factors that can change the course of my life.
Like it or not, Lisa Cholodenko made the bridge a little more narrow with the release of this film.
” it appears Lisa Cholodenko just painted on black face and danced while eating watermelon. ”
That hyperbole is AMAZING!
Rethinking “High Art” Now
I had made up my mind upon seeing the trailer that I would not see this movie. But what sealed the deal was this quote from Lisa Cholodenko posted by someone on this message board:
“I was much more interested in reaching out to the male population than I was concerned about alienating a sector of the lesbian population.”
This quote, if true, tells me that Miss Cholodenko could give a flying rat’s a$$ what we think. This quote also makes me want to re-evaluate my opinion of “High Art.”
Without the above quote and knowing how Hollywood has a habit of looking out for its bottom line, it would be easy to conclude that the director (who co-wrote the script) was asked to alter it to appeal to a wider (read “straighter”) audience.
But in light of the quote, it’s clear that Miss Cholodenko doesn’t give a sh*t about us (lesbians). She is reaching out to men whom she believes either buy tickets to movies or provide the green light to get them made
So my boycott stands.
It’s too bad because it’s so rare to see two over-40 name actresses headlining a movie.
But still…
To the lesbians who support
on July 12, 2010 at 05:45pm
To the lesbians who support this movie: How would you feel if the director was a straight man? I think your praise would fly out the window. It doesn’t matter if Cholodenko is a lesbian and it doesn’t matter if the movie is good or not. The vast majority of mainstream movies have the “lesbian sleeps with a man” storyline and this movie opens the door to even more movies with that plot device.
The movie does normalize lesbian love and family but gives men the satisfaction and reassurance that they are still needed in the bedroom.
It is a sad sad day when a lesbian director cannot make a mainstream movie about lesbians without having one of them cheat with a man…
It is sad
on July 12, 2010 at 06:26pm
You’re right, it doesn’t make sense.
on July 12, 2010 at 08:11pm
Good film – not perfect film
on July 14, 2010 at 12:57am
- Edited to add – Do not take your mother to this film. It shows a less then positive and complicated view of a lesbian relationship. Take her to a PFLAG ( Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gayss) meeting instead and get movie recommendations from other parents who have gone through the stages of coming out with their children.
I liked this movie and found it thought provoking.
The lesbian wanting dick was not at the heart of the cheating at all but it does reinforce a stereotype because the heterosexism in our world is so pervasive it cannot avoid reinforcing that stereotype.
This choice was not just a plot device it was the center of the movie about a marriage that needed to deal with the two women’s relationship with one another and spend less time focusing on the kids. ( The only thing I hated was the sex scene where she seemed so thrilled to see dick – sorry but that didn’t seem necessary to me.)
As soon as I heard she cheated with the sperm donor I knew it wasn’t just “a man” but someone who would really really hurt her partner for her to cheat with. She didn’t do it consciously intentionally but she knew what boundaries she was crossing and did it because she couldn’t woman up and say why her marriage was hurting her.
Worth seeing and talking about – it will not change anyone’s minds about whether lesbians are people who deserve respect IMO.
It does defend a lesbian family but in a way that is too fucked up for middle america to get – that’s what I think. Showing a lesbian relationship collapsing when they have contact with the sperm donor will reinforce those who are heterosexist. They will not be challenged to grow by this film.
Still I liked the complications of kids wanting to know their biological dad and how that is a hurdle for lesbian families. I also liked how narcisstic and lost the bio dad was – he really was manipulative and self-centered to the max. Read the review in the SF Chronicle I think the reviewer really go this film
what if you had the keys to the world, you held them all in your hand…
WTF?
on July 15, 2010 at 01:27pm
Quote from above: *( The only thing I hated was the sex scene where she seemed so thrilled to see dick – sorry but that didn’t seem necessary to me.)
I am sorry but this just further proves to me how hard this writer/director wanted to stick it to the lesbian community. It is one thing to have a “lesbian” cheat. It is another to have a “lesbian” cheat with a MAN. It is just RIDICULOUS and hurtful to have a “lesbian” cheat with the sperm donor. Then to make the sex scene extremely graphic with dick worship is just SELF HATRED!!!
Honestly, if this garbage had been written and directed by a man I would have expected it. However, in a time when lesbians and gays are FIGHTING for our rights (marriage, adoption, donors, acceptance) for a lesbian to go and re-enforce all the freakin sterotypes/plot-lines that lesbians are trying to break free of is just disgusting.
We have to build our image up before we can break it down. Cholo-dorko went straight to it with the sledgehammer. No wonder the world doesnt respect and believe that lesbians dont really need dick. Or that same sex couples are missing something. We have no one to blame now but our own storytellers.
Great. Thanks.
I offer my two cents (“Just the facts, ma’am”)
on July 14, 2010 at 04:21am
-For those of you who who are of the mindset that “we should just be happy this movie with lesbians was made,” I offer you these budgets:
Loving Annabelle $900,000
D.E.B.S. $3.5 million
TKAA $5 mill from 3 major investors
Imagine Me & You $7.9 million
-Funny how the lesbian film where the two women end up together all happy and crap had the highest budget [not debating plot here, JUST budget]
-Then:
I Love You Phillip Morris $15 million
Brokeback Mountain $14 Million
-Funny how two films with gay relationships where the man doesn’t sleep with a women as a plot device have double-digit budgets [granted the men in BBM got married to women, but in my opinion that was a survival issue, the men loved each other until the end].
-AfterElton’s quote about the film:
“To the movie’s credit, they handled it in a non-offensive, even interesting way. But it’s still such an obvious development, and such a crazy-omnipresent lesbian stereotype, that I was disappointed that director and co-writer Lisa Cholodenko couldn’t think of a better sub-plot.”
-See AfterEllen! All I’m saying is you CAN address the giant elephant in the room while still imploring us to see the circus [regarding all posts about this movie prior to this review, where the sleeping-with-a-man issue wasn’t even discussed].
-As for “middle America,” the movie opens in the following on the 23rd: AZ, FL, GA, IL, IN, MI, MN, MO, NC, NM, NV, OH, TN, TX, UT, WI. I know they’re not all “middle America,” persay, but they are the ones I could pick out that have yet to hand their LGBT residents gay rights. [For the record, I’m not talking about you how you hot, intelligent Midwest gals, your gay boys, and your straight allies will or won’t see the film. I know y’all are not ‘hicks,’ I’m talking about the heteronormative, don’t-know-a-gay-person types who will someday vote on your civil rights, if it ever reaches a ballot] I will wait to pass judgement until I hear what THEY have to say.
The Pilgrims weren’t Puritans, know your history. Ab ea amor, et ea ab me amatur.
I hate this movie. Could
on July 15, 2010 at 06:29pm
Gayblackcanada 
Trackbacks / Pingbacks