Being Gay In Toronto Is Boring.

I think I am bored and  tired of being gay.Maybe, I need to find myself a bisexual woman and try something different? I remember a conversation I had last year

with a bisexual man and he asked me “have you ever had sex or relationship with a woman?” Of course, my answer was “no”.  Next, the bisexual man said

“how do you really know you could not have a relationship with a woman if you don’t try?”

I think if I was going to have a relationship with a woman or have sex with a woman I have to be honest with her first. I wouldn’t even know where to start?

But the more I think about it, being gay in Toronto is not that exciting anymore.

The gay male community in Toronto is very plastic and gay men are  very superficial, relationships platonic and

romantic are cosmetic. Very few gay men I have ever met in my life are  real and genuine people.

Sometimes I wonder, why am I gay anyway?  My older brother and younger sister are straight. My siblings have regular names yet my name is Orville.

I feel like I am the black sheep in my family. I wonder “why did my parents choose the name Orville?” My name sounds so “southern”. I remember when I

was a kid I was teased relentlessly because of my name. I thought for a long time I was being punished and the scarlet letter was etched on my back.

Sometimes, I feel envious of my siblings because they are “living” a life that my parents believe is palatable. My brother and sister have children and my parents

are very proud of them. Sometimes, I wonder “are my parents not proud of me because  I am gay?” My parents are very traditional Jamaican people they

are Christians but they have been “tolerant” of my homosexuality. However, “tolerance”  doesn’t have the same meaning as  “acceptance”.

I wonder to myself, “what is going to happen to me?”  “How is my life going to turn out?”  I don’t want to have children not because I am gay but because

I just don’t see myself becoming a father. I have so much respect for parents because having a child is a tremendous responsibility.

I do wonder about whether or not I want to get married to someone one day?  I think if the right person and I clicked and I really believed in this

individual maybe I would get married. I think I would only get married once. I don’t believe in multiple marriages.

Of course, if I was going to get serious with a man he  has to be  out of the closet this is paramount.

I think I realized from a previous relationship that, being out and proud is very important to me.

My life isn’t like one of those Hallmark movies where the is a smash of glasses at the dinner table and the gay couple is just another couple with the rest of the

family. I am alone  in the shadows, lurking, watching, seething with anger. I watch the heterosexual couples talk about their relationships, their children, their

mortages, the daycare,  and I listen and I become even angrier. I wonder, “is my family really my family or do I have to create my own family?”

For example, since I am single,  if I did have a boyfriend my parents would never meet him.

The reason is, “tolerance” has limits.  I have to admit, I do think sometimes, would my life be easier if I was born heterosexual?

I think I understand why some gay black Caribbean and African men have relationships with women. Some people say that the closeted black men

are a disgrace to the black community. I think I understand the desire that black men have to remain in the closet.  The closeted black  men  believe

they can have “the best of both worlds”.

I think the reason some  black gay men remain in the closet is because these men reject the “gay” label they see this as a western way of thinking. I also believe

closeted  black men want to maintain a connection  to the black community.

One way to be a part of the black culture of course is to have relationships with black women and have black children.

I also am cognizant of the fact, Toronto’s gay community is “not” really my community for a variety of reasons.

First, I am not white, if you flip through Xtra Magazine or Fab Magazine the articles are very Eurocentric, superficial, and boring.

Next, if you read the gay media the news is not very inspiring. There are advertisements for drag queen contests, or some other sex related contest, or some

news about bars opening and closing.  Is this news?

I realize I don’t want to grow old alone but the question is, do I want a relationship with a man or a woman?

I remember a course I took last semester called “Critical Sexualities” and this  course talked about “labels” and the fact in many countries across the world the

term “gay” and “lesbian” do not exist because these are western words.

For instance, on the Caribbean and African continent sexuality is fluid people engage in same-sex relationships but also form heterosexual relationships as well

they don’t call themselves “gay”.

Maybe the word “gay” is the problem? Maybe it is time to move beyond “gay” and just not use “labels” at all?

I don’t like the word “queer” because I don’t see myself as a “queer”. In my mind, the word “queer” means weird and I do not feel I am weird.

However, the gay male community in Toronto is so obsessed with  beauty, sex, and youth. All you have to do is pick up a gay magazine and on the cover is a

man with washboard abs of steel and a perfect figure.

I wonder to myself “where do I fit into all of this?” Is being gay boring and dry? I think so.  Even though Toronto Canada is a very progressive city, this doesn’t

mean there is no social stigma to being a homosexual.

The truth is, homophobia is rampant in many communities across Toronto. There are also invisible social codes and barriers I believe that exist for gay and lesbian people in the city of Toronto.