I Thought Rahi Was A Nice Guy But I Think I Was Wrong.
I thought Rahi was a nice guy but now I just think he is selfish. For example, two weeks ago I saw the horrible Ninja Assassin film with him. I didn’t want to see Ninja Assassin but since Rahi wanted to see the movie I did.
I thought “well I will try to be nice since Rahi really wants to see this movie I will see it.”
I hated Ninja Assassin that film was so violent! I believe in reciprocity, two weeks ago I saw the horrible Ninja Assassin then I think it would have been “nice” if he agreed to see a movie I want to see. I am telling myself ” I only met Rahi a few times and I’m just going to leave him alone”.
My viewpoint is, I believe Rahi is very selfish.
I went to see the movie because Rahi wanted to see it. I decided I am not going to respond to Rahi’s e-mail he sent me this morning. How can I possibly respond to Rahi’s message? I won’t!
At this point, I don’t care whether Rahi is straight, gay, or bisexual. All I will say is, two weeks ago Rahi certainly went overboard in trying to impress me.
Rahi picks me up, drives me home after we saw Ninja Assassin two weeks ago. He takes me out buys me something to eat. Rahi told me two weeks ago to “keep in touch”.
However, my opinion is Rahi is selfish he only cares about his “needs” and what “he wants”.
Whenever I see a movie with someone I will see a film even if I really don’t want to see it. The reason I do this is because I am sensitive to another person’s feelings.
I decided to take Eileen’s advice and I contacted Rahi on Tuesday. I wanted to know if he was wanted to see the Princess & the Frog because I WANTED to see this film. After all, I saw Ninja Assassin with Rahi. Well here is what Rahi said.
I contact Rahi via e-mail yesterday and he immediately responded:
Here is the message from Wednesday December 16th 2009:
Hey Orville,
I’m doing well thanks. How’re things at your end? Has your winter holidays started yet?
Not free this weekend, by I’ll be off work starting next Tuesday until January 04, 2009. We can definitely meet up.
I watched “A Single Man” last night with a coworker. It was about a gay man grieving the loss of his partner. It was shot well and the acting was superb. But…, it was bit of a downer movie. Have you watched anything lately?
Peace and chat later!
Rahi
I thought “this is interesting Rahi saw a movie about a gay man losing his partner. ” Maybe Rahi isn’t straight after all or maybe Rahi is open minded? The point is I will NEVER go through this situation again. If I am interested in a man I got to know for sure he is gay or at least bisexual. I don’t like this wondering or second guessing myself. I admit I think I jumped to conclusions and I guess I was wrong about Rahi.
Here is Rahi’s message from this morning December 17th 2009:
Cool! Enjoy Precious. A couple people I know watched it and they actually liked it.
I’m not too much into Disney 2D cartoons. The Princess and the Frog looks interesting, but I’ll pass on it.
Okay Orville, have a good one. Talk to you later,
Rahi
I am not responding to Rahi’s message I think the line “but I’ll pass on it” is very rude. After all, I saw Ninja Assassin and yet he refuses to see a movie I want to see.
I just feel Rahi is not being very nice at all. I don’t want to get to know Rahi now because he does come across as being selfish he ONLY wants things to go his way or it’s the highway. I don’t like this at all. I believe a nice person WOULD see a movie they really don’t want to see if someone WANTED to see the film. I just decided to delete Rahi’s e-mail messages and I have deleted his phone number from my phone.
Gayblackcanada 
He doesn’t sound like a real bad guy, just a little a selfish. He should’ve gone to see the princess and the frog with you. Keep going on with your life and your goal to meet new people. As for Rahi don’t write him off yet. Make him wait. Don’t reply to his emails. Make him call you on THE PHONE! And when he does don’t yell. Just stay calm like nothing happened and talk to him like you don’t even care. That’ll let him know that not gah gah over him anymore but you don’t mind making small talk with him. He still sounds pretty nice (by the emails) and like I said you can never have too many cute guy friends around.
P.S
He sounded interested in “Precious” see that with him….And make him pay for dinner again lol!
Hi Jettt, thanks for your advice I really do appreciate it. I asked Rahi two weeks ago if he wanted to see Precious and Rahi said the movie was too depressing for him to see. I decided to NOT respond to Rahi’s e-mail in fact I deleted it. I just told myself “there is no point in me getting worked up about this guy.” I don’t know Rahi. I feel I have reached out enough to Rahi and I definitely will not do that again! I don’t even know if the guy is gay, bisexual, or straight? It doesn’t matter anymore. Even if Rahi and I were to become friends I don’t want a friend that is selfish and only thinks about his needs and what he wants. However, Rahi definitely comes across as very selfish and very narcissistic!
I was really angry when I saw Rahi’s e-mail message this morning. However, the old Orville would of become very emotional and write off a nasty e-mail. I decided to call my friend Eileen today to rant and I have cooled off. I also decided to write this blog entry.
Hey Orville,
I’m sorry to hear how this played out. And I totally support you: only date gay men!!! And pass on the bi ones too!! Seriously. If he’s not gay, don’t play!
I’ve wasted SO MUCH time and energy worrying and wondering: does he like me? Will he want to be with me? Will be be into me enough?
Ugh. I finally decided het men are boring, unless you like doing het male things. Me: not so much.
I agree: Rahi doesn’t sound like a total jerk, just self-centered and probably “he’s just not that into you”. If you haven’t read that book READ IT!! Now is the PERFECT time.
What I also get from this whole story is how he likes control. He maintains it, and for those of us who are care-taking types, or eager to please, or willing to extend ourselves BEFORE we know what the other guy is willing to do, we need to steer clear of guys like this. Find someone who is vulnerable with you, who cares about what YOUR interests are, from the START.
Orville, I’m serious. You don’t need this in your life. Avoid the ones who have nothing meaningful to offer than being a warm body in the next movie theatre seat… and not even that warm, in this case!
His etiquette was poor, but not for het dude. For a het dude he’s just acting all normal. And who wants that?!
Take care and feel better.
Hi Julian, thanks for your kind words I appreciate you taking the time to write this I really do! You are right, I would like to meet a guy that actually CARES about ME and what my INTERESTS ARE. I recall when I talked to Rahi he ALWAYS talked about HIMSELF. I guess I took Rahi’s actions and made it bigger than it really means. I am tired of wondering if Rahi is gay or bisexual. He only wants to do things that “interest” him. I don’t like that in a man.
I do get the sense that Rahi just likes to “be in control”. I guess what I don’t understand is why did he go “out of his way” to impress me? He sent me a message on meetup.com after we first met. I guess I made it out to mean more than I should of? He drives me to the movie and back home. He bought me food. I don’t get it? Well, I just decided to not respond to his message his morning via email. Rahi definitely has demonstrated to me with his rude attitude that he is selfish and self centered. I don’t want anyone in my life that doesn’t believe in reciprocity.
I’m so glad to hear you’re not willing to expend more time on someone who is only really into himself.
Believe me, Orville, I would have fallen for someone that showed me that sort of initial interest in a heartbeat. So I don’t think you should beat yourself up AT ALL for thinking that maybe, just maybe Rahi was really into you for doing what he did: driving you to the theatre and back home, paying for your dinner. It sure sounds like a date to me!
And what I’ve found with some non-gay men is that they like the attention they can get from some of us gay men. But they won’t really go out of their way. And that’s where your story is understandably emotionally confusing as hell. Because HE DID, initially, go out of his way. And sounds like we’re both likely to take that as “a good sign” and why not, eh?
So the lesson, for me, is always: let’s try and hold off on developing strong feelings for someone we don’t really know. And it takes MONTHS to really know someone, and often longer.
I’d always develop strong feelings within, oh, say, the first few hours. (lol–and seriously)
I’d convince myself that “This is the one” after a date or two, based on little more than the fact that he didn’t treat me like shit. Sad, embarrassing, but true.
I’ve known many non-gay-identified men who really like knowing they are attractive or interesting to anyone: to anyone who will go along for the ride, literally.
And as soon as the gay man, or heterosexual woman, asks him to be interested in what WE like, in what WE want to do, in OUR lives that don’t match up with his needs, wishes, preferences, desires, well, he’ll let ya know right off that he hasn’t got the time for that, and still have the audacity to hope you’re willing to go along for the ride, except you’ll end up driving next time. That’s my experience.
And there are gay men like this too, of course, so finding someone who is gay is no guarantee of anything. But, as an elder gay man once said to me about my proclivity when in my twenties for finding the non-gay men to pine after endlessly, “Don’t be so surprised when you go to a hardware store and they don’t have any oranges”.
Het men don’t have what we need, Orville. Nor do self-absorbed and controlling bi or gay men.
When a gay-identified man looks at you with real interest in his eyes, with real warmth and concern and regard for what you are telling him about the depths of yourself, keep him around. Toss the others back in the pond.
You’ve got all my support in finding happiness and love.
A twenty-something straight male friend once told me–maybe four years ago, after yet another break-up with a young woman, “You’ve got it SO EASY as a gay man. Trying to find a girl I’m compatible with emotionally is so hard as a straight guy”.
I knew he was in a lot of pain right then and so waited to call his ass out on that one. But a few weeks later I wrote him a long email, letting him know how difficult it really was for gay men–only one in ten as many chances of meeting ANYONE, for one thing. And then take into consideration that at least women are socialised to care about others, at least women are socialised to know how to regard other people as people. Not so with men.
So finding a man who can really take an interest, let alone be compatible, MUTUALLY attracted to, who shares your sense of humor… I told my het friend, “You have no idea how difficult it is for us gay men”. (He wrote back and apologised, and said that was a really stupid thing for him to say, and he kind of knew it at the time.)
He knows now I was in love with him, secretly, back when we first met a few years before he said that. He had suspected it way back when, but didn’t want to bring it up, which is fair enough: it was my job to do that.
And he was self-centered and aloof: “my type” because I didn’t think I deserved any more attention than that.
I find it is difficult to find a good guy also due to the internalised homophobia (and any other form of oppression we live with) which makes us fall for straight and “straight-acting” men, or in my case non-Jewish white men. Oh, the attraction to the Aryan blondes was a hard internalised anti-Semitic habit to kick. But I did kick it and find really white guys not at all appealing any more.
You deserve only the men who can really see you and want to know you well.
So please know that.
And a curious P.S. to the story: my het male friend is now engaged, and will be marrying the wonderfully self-assured and caring woman soon. Yup. So much for the travails of being a heterosexual man. I’ll likely go to the wedding, but I can’t say it won’t be painful… for many reasons.
Your guy is out there, Orville. And he wants to see Precious because it’s about the depths of human experience. And he’ll want to see The Princess and the Frog because, well, it is the FIRST Disney animation (in how many decades??) about A BLACK WOMAN.
(If you haven’t seen the documentary “Mickey Mouse Monopoly” it’s available on the Internet for free. And it’s partly about the long history of racism and sexism in Disney animated movies.)
Good luck. We gay men need it. And don’t ever go to see a movie you really don’t want to see. Suggest something else and find out what you’re both mutually interested in seeing. That’ll give you a head’s up right away if he’s even willing to extend himself THAT far.
Julian that’s really sweet thanks for your comment it really cheered me up! Yes, you are right, I should not beat myself up. You are correct we could of both compromised and saw a movie we BOTH enjoyed. I won’t do that again seeing a movie I really don’t want to see just to please a man! I hated Ninja Assassin that movie was a total waste of my money! After all, Rahi was the one that replied to my ad via e-mail from the meetup.com movie group. Rahi left a message after I first met him. Nobody else in the group did that. I do feel that was odd. Next, Rahi picks me up for the movie and drives me home. He also bought me something to eat. Yes, I definitely thought he was going beyond the call of duty. Now suddenly, he’s acting distant but whatever it’s his loss not mine. I don’t know Rahi but from what I have seen he is indeed a selfish man.
Hi Orville! Sorry. I did not know that Rahi actions hit you so hard . I guess I have a thick skin lol. It’s for best that you move on. Vent as much as you want it gets the pain out faster. As for your goal for meeting new people (gay or straight) please continue. It’ll keep things fresh and new while you also look for a new Bo. Try new things that you haven’t done before. You seem to like sports based on your articles of woods, serena etc. Go out bowling I know it sounds funny but its fun as hell! And if run into another cutie….Find out if he’s gay right away. Don’t go through this B.S again, it’s not worth it. Good luck!
I’m in agreement with jettt, Orville.
And practice self-love every day. You’re the only person who’s spiritual purpose it is to love YOU every day of your life from now on. And never let anyone come between you and that self-love.
If there has been a pattern of meeting “the wrong man” then interrogate that as much as is useful. But not so you can beat yourself up, only so you can recognise patterns.
I know my pattern is to be drawn to men who are not emotionally available to me, or who want things from me I can’t offer. It took many experiences to see that as my pattern. But it’s good for me to know, so my self-love can include not making myself available to men who would use me or otherwise mistreat me and not appreciate me as I am.
Hi Jettt & Julian thanks so much for your comments. I am officially on a “man break“ I`ve got more important issues to think about than worrying about getting a man. I have school to think about the Winter semester starts in a few weeks. I also have other goals I am working on as well. I just completed group therapy last week Monday for people that have social phobia. I thought the group therapy at the Centre For Addiciton & Mental Health in Toronto was very helpful.
I think my pattern is I tend to fall for these closeted men that are not comfortable with their homosexuality. I think I have this tendency that I want to `save“ these closeted men but I can`t. My job is not to “save a man“ he has to “save himself“. I invest so much emotional energy into someone only to realize these men are emotional vampires they are so self centered and selfish.
I now realize “my life“ and “my concerns“ are the most important issues I have to focus on and not worry about trying to “fix“ a closet case.
I also notice I fall for emotionally unavailable men, men that refuse to open up to me about their feelings, darkest fears, and thoughts. I tend to like men that have a masculine exterior. I now have learned I will NEVER get involved with a man that is NOT OUT OF THE CLOSET. I am serious! I am tired of dealing with these closet cases it`s just too hard emotionally to deal with a man that is not comfortable with his homosexuality.
As I read what you just wrote above, Orville, one book about “us”, came immediately to mind that I read last year that I strongly recommend you get from the library system, and see if you like it, and only then buy it if you know you’ll reread it or will want to lend it to friends. Like one of the reviews below says, I thought “oh, maybe there will be one or two good points in this book that mostly I won’t be able to relate to”, but there was much more in there for me, who is not “the stereotypical media portrait of a gay man” in many ways. I don’t live in a white middle to upper middle class urban center, for one thing. I don’t live where there are lots of gay men. You won’t find me or anyone like me on an episode of Will & Grace any time soon!!
So, with the caveat that this is really (unfortunately) a white middle class and U.S. urban-centric book, it nonetheless has some *really* useful stuff in it about gay self-care and self-respect that I think would be supportive of your new position re: no longer dating closeted men.
It’s called “The Velvet Rage”, and it is written by Alan Downs, and here are two reviews by readers from Amazon.com below which I think summarise the book well. And the first one is by a man in Canada–although he addresses how and why he didn’t think this book would speak to him:
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
25 of 25 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars Life Changing Book for Me, May 16, 2006
By Ching-te Peng “another reader” (Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada)
I had reviewed all the comments posted here before I purchased the book because I usually like to get some general ideas of books I am interested in. After receiving and reviewing my copy, I’d like to say this is a great book. This book is very valuable for me personally.
So I knew I was not the ‘targeted audience’ (a gay white male from a middle-class family) before I began the book. I am an immigrant in Canada who grew up in Asia and didn’t come to North America for school until I was 18. With that in mind, I read it really carefully. I swear I couldn’t agree more with almost all of his theories. Some of the chapters almost brought me to tears. I WAS ashamed of being gay for the longest time and was not even aware of it! If Dr. Downs’ generalizing theories are also applicable to me, a foreign man to this continent, how does this work?
Next, I can only guess that Dr. Downs had to target the medium gay crowd in order to reach and communicate to the most numbers of gay readers efficiently. After all, most gay people ARE in the ‘average’ category in its own subculture. I just don’t believe it was his intention to publish this book like it was the most indisputable and verified piece of clinical work. If this book is indeed a lengthy-research paper with numbers and formulas, how many people will be interested in and capable of reading that? I’d say it is much better for someone like him to write about something typical than no one writes about nothing at all. Generalization can be the beginning to a greater understanding.
It also frustrates me when some of the people below don’t even bother to read carefully what Dr. Downs had to say about setting the book’s parameter of topics and discussion before they review the book. He DID mention about lesbians and acknowledge their difficult coming out experiences as well. But like this book’s title suggests, it is about “gay men,” so what is so bad not to include lesbians and transgender/transsexuals?
A lot of the materials covered in the book are good advices for me. It does not cover the whole spectrum of coming-out experiences, but `complete perfection’ shouldn’t be the expectation you should impose onto this book. For someone searching anything close to the `truth’ of being gay, this could be a good read.
PS. I have also purchased “Coming Out of Shame: Transforming Gay and Lesbian Lives” by Gershen Kaufman and Lev Raphael. This book, on the other hand, is much more clinically written than the Velvet Rage.
____________
39 of 43 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Buy this book — you won’t regret it!, February 5, 2006
By Joseph Denney (Los Angeles, California)
My copy arrived yesterday, and it turns out that the publisher’s review about the book on Amazon is completely misleading — in fact, it’s awful. Far from being a book centered on “fabulousness” (if there is such a word), creativity, and material success, this book describes just about every gay man I have ever met — including me. While it does mention these subjects in passing, probably 99% of the book talks about how the kind of behavior we have come to think of as “normal” and even expect from gay men (judgmental, prone to gossip, secretive, perfectionist, quick to blame, body-image problems, and more) is a way of dealing with the feeling most of us have had from childhood — that of being “second-class citizens.”
Yes, these character traits do not apply to all gay men, but my guess is that at least one of the areas Dr. Downs talks about applies to every gay man on this board. The important thing to note is that this is not a book about blame, but rather explaining where these behaviors come from, and best of all, how to change them. For those of us who have never even seen a healthy gay relationship, much less been in one, he’s got a whole chapter on those.
Trust me on this one, guys, BUY THIS BOOK! If you read it and it turns out none of what Dr. Downs talks about applies to you, then not only are you welcome to tell me so on this board, but if you’re anywhere within driving distance of Los Angeles, I will take you out to dinner, because I definitely need more people like you in my life. For the rest of us, this book offers a picture of what an emotionally healthy gay man looks like, and a roadmap to getting there.
Wow Julian thanks for taking the time for providing this information. I will check out these books the Velvet Rage. I will go to the the Indigo bookstore in downtown Toronto they should have copies of this book. I remember I heard about this book a couple of years ago. I think the author was either on Oprah or Tyra Banks show.