I Have A Confession: I Do Not Get Along With Gay Men
I know this might sound strange but I have a confession to make I don’t get along with gay men very well. I will be honest I really don’t.
The majority of the gay men I have met are materialistic, superficial, racist, sexist, ageist, anti lesbian, anti feminist, and also anti straight. Now I am not suggesting all gay men are like this.
One of the odd things I have learned is some gay men don’t like lesbians. I wonder why? I don’t have a problem with lesbians or lesbianism. I remember there used to be a lesbian bar called “Pope Joan” in Toronto and on Friday nights were the best!
One of the things I love about lesbian bars is the fact the DJ understands the audience likes a variety of music. The DJ at “Pope Joan” used to play hip hop, R&B, soul, funk, jazz, ballads, even country music once in a while.
I hear “Pope Joan” is out of business but that sucks I love that bar!
The gay bars in Toronto are boring because there is no diversity in the music. The DJ plays music for a Eurocentric crowd and the music is always dance or techno music. I hate techno music!
The best bars and clubs in Toronto are not gay bars anyway they are the straight clubs because at least the DJ will play different forms of music.
On New Years Day one acquaintance called me up out of the blue this gay man starts asking me what I did on New Years Eve. I start to talk and then he “hangs up” on me. I was shocked!
A couple people I know have said they find this particular gay man to be very superficial. In the past I defended him I said he’s a nice guy. I am not suggesting this gay man isn’t a good person. I will just say I do agree with the comments I have heard. I do feel this particular gay man is very “superficial”.
Isn’t that weird? Why would someone “hang up” on somebody and not even say “goodbye”? I decided to just move on and not talk to him. I don’t want to argue with this particular gay man because I feel I have nothing to say to him.
I just think he is petulant for hanging up on me for no reason. It doesn’t make any sense? Why call me at all if you are going to be rude?
However, I think there are only two gay men I have ever met in my entire life that I actually thought were nice men.
I think making “homosexuality” the center of your life is boring that’s just my personal opinion. I hope on this blog I convey the message that being “gay” is not my entire life.
In fact, I honestly believe being gay can be a lonely existence and that’s something I have been thinking about as I get older. I don’t want to have a child and I don’t like animals. I know there are gay men that buy toy dogs and dress them up as children but I don’t like dogs. The only pet I would own is probably a cat.
The issue of loneliness and homosexuality is something so many gay men don’t want to talk about. The gay culture is very youth orientated. Right now I may be “young” but I know as I get older I notice things. I notice how pretentious gay men can be. I notice how “age” is so important and this relates to gay male culture. I don’t see lesbians have this fixation on youth or how a person looks or beauty.
I am not sure if “being gay” is enough for me to be happy.
I am not sure “if” I want to be “gay” anymore. I hate Toronto’s gay scene it’s boring and dry. I hate the gay bars I rarely ever go to them. I hate the bathhouses seeing the same people over and over again. I hate everything about this city.
Why are so many gay black men in Toronto hiding? Or maybe the real question is where can I find them? I know gay black men and other gay men in the city of Toronto are “around”. I just don’t know “where” are they ?
I think I am in the wrong place. Obviously I want to make changes in my life and the only person that can change my life is me. I do believe I want to travel more to see America or England or something. I have only visited America few times and I was impressed there seems to be more to do there . There appears to be more black gay activism in the USA but maybe that relates to the safety in numbers?
I think Americans have a false impression that Canada is some multicultural utopia and this is just not true. Canadians can be very racist, sexist, homophobic, as well.
Canadians are just more hypocritical in relation to the issue of social injustice. Some Americans believe because same sex marriage is legal in Canada that the country is perfect for gays and I strongly disagree.
I don’t agree with gay marriage for myself. I am not against other gay people getting married. I just don’t believe I will ever marry another man. I know it’s not going to happen and so I try not to think about it. I don’t believe in all that “true love” bullshit.
Why would I marry a man that is going to cheat on me anyway? Everyone knows gay men are promiscuous and this is true it is not a stereotype. I think the issue of promiscuity relates to the topic of “sexual freedom”.
In gay male culture “sexual freedom” is the cornerstone of being “gay”. Gay men strongly believe “sexual freedom” is so important it overides everything. For instance, why do people think bathhouses are in business?
Gay men or bisexual men or “men that have sex with other men” across the world travel to bathhouses to explore this “sexual freedom”.
A lot of the people that visit gay bathhouse are also gay men that are in “relationships.” The ideology is this a lot of gay men believe in “open relationships” meaning that both partners agree that sleeping with someone else on the side is okay for a relationship to work. Is this really true though? Does this really work? I don’t know?
One gay guy I got along well with was a Guyanese gay man we were close friends since I was a teenager but we are no longer talking we just drifted apart. The Guyanese guy met a gay guy fell hard for the guy only this guy broke his heart. Although the last time I spoke to the Guyanese gay guy he says he is still friends with the toxic gay man.
He did a lot of stupid things for this guy for instance he got involved in shop lifting, theft, drugs. It was actually very sad to be honest.
Our friendship ended because I just couldn’t deal with all of his problems I did not know what to do anymore. I could not comprehend how such a smart young man would get involved in such nonsense. I did not understand why he would put himself in danger just “for” another man?
The good news is the last time I talked to the Guyanese gay guy was over a year ago and he appears to be getting his life together. He has a new lover and he is happy. He also is a very talented photographer.
The other gay man that I get along with is my close friend is South Asian we have been friends for over six years. He says I have “gay man trauma”. Maybe he’s right I don’t know?
What I do know is this most of the gay men I have met I am just not impressed with them. The gay men I have met are obsessed with sex, they are judgmental, rude, and obnoxious.
I also realize I don’t need to “just” be friends with homosexuals in order to enrich my life. I think my quandary is for a long time I felt that I placed too much importance on “being” friends with gay men.
I now understand through introspection that gay men are just like anyone else in society we have our own biases, prejudices, our own views. The only similarity is our sexual orientation.
I also admit I have biases about straight people. Now of course there are straight people that can be homophobic but I also am learning there are straight people that are actually nice people. I guess I just have to give them a chance.
Maybe I should apply the same philosophy to my biases I have with other gay men? I “want” to be more open minded about “gay men” maybe my bad experiences have clouded my judgment? Maybe I do need to become more open minded?
Gayblackcanada 
I have been reading this blog for a while, and this post summed up a lot of the problems I have been having as a gay man. I’m at a point in my life where I do consider myself out, but I feel limited in the people i interact with, both gay and straight. I know PLENTY of DL or bisexuals with girlfriends/boyfriends, but not a lot of straight or gay men and women. I honestly don’t know what to do, but I can definitely empathize with what you wrote there
Hi LC thanks for your comment.
I. love. this. post.
I hate when gay men get so “caught up” with being gay that there’s little else of their life or identity. Boring! I know men in their 40s who have no interests other than the gym, sex parties and gay clubs. Seriously?
There are black gay men (in the world) who think outside of this box. But it’s harder to find them (us?) because there isn’t a centralized gathering place.
The club scene, overall, doesn’t lead to substantial meetings for me. The last quality guy I met was when I was doing something I enjoyed; volunteering for the Gay Film Festival.
Hi Orville,
WOW! That was really interesting.
I have a few things to say; first, you are so right about the gay age thing. I live in the San Francisco Bay Area and when I go to the Castro a lot of the older men look so sad. But it’s like they create their own hell by worshiping the young boys and then when they get older they are no longer in the mix. I suppose every community has its self-destructive ways.
Second; about the sex thing, I think men in general are just ready to go sex wise pretty much all of the time. So when you have men who date other men it seems really extreme. The only thing that keeps str8 men from having sex as much as gay men is str8 women. lol
Third; on Canada, you’re right, I do see Canada as somewhat more enlightened than the U.S. I know that’s probably a wrong impression as I read more from people that actually live in Canada.
Finally; you’re right about lesbian culture not being in love with youth. But we do have our problems to. Where lack of intimacy might be a problem in the gay world, too much intimacy is our problem. That is we sometimes move from zero to 60 when it comes to relationships. There are plenty of jokes about how lesbians move-in with each other after just a few dates and make a nest.
I so agree with you about not letting being gay or lesbian be the most important thing about your life. But I think to a certain extent this can apply to the str8 world too. There are plenty of str8 people who only live for the dating scene.
All-in-all being gay or lesbian is what you make of it. Being str8 can be hell and so can being gay. It’s not really the sexual orientation that makes our lives good or bad it’s us.
You mention you need a change. I feel the same way. Though I live in what is considered the gay capitol of the world, it isn’t all that it’s cracked-up to be; especially for an African American lesbian.
Anyway, sorry if I’ve rambled but your post inspired me. 🙂
Hi Monie thanks for your comment I really appreciate it. Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. I have heard the joke that in lesbian culture there is “too” much intimacy. Although I must confess I admire lesbians in this respect that women “want” intimacy and not just “sex”. My view is in the gay male culture “sexual freedom” seems like the most important thing. Gay men “crave” sex at all costs no matter what yet don’t want the “imtimacy” that comes along with the sex.
This is a great post and comments. Got me thinking about things that I never considered before. Interesting.
First off — I do agree with you about techno. I say ‘death to techno and all purveyors of such.’
However, I disagree with most everything else you said. You say most “gay men” are judgemental, and then proceed to prove your own point by dogging out all gay men mercilessly with the insufficient qualifier “…now I’m not saying all gay men are like this.”
Now, an independent observer might say you yourself are the vicious one. He might say that you draw people to you with the sour aura surrounding you. Like attracts like.
I’m just saying, please don’t take offense.
Now, gay men can certainly be self-centered little bastards. But so can church ladies and priests and politicians and hetero jocks and on and on across the spectrum.
Gay men are historically marginalized, too. Even historically marginalized groups have the audacity to marginalized their own gay brethren. Is it a wonder why so many black gay men are lost? Yes, I said lost — not pathetic, or pitiful, but lost in the escapism of booze, boyz and barz.
Hell, I used to be one of them. Fortunately I survived it — barely.
None of us should put ourselves on a pedestal above our many damaged brothers (and sisters). Because when we look deeper into the mirror, we see we are all damaged souls just looking for a mate on this tiny blue ball spinning through the universe …..
i agree about everything in your post…EXCEPT that one sentence discarding true love as bullshit. if true means both love each other dearly and are loyal forever to each other then there’s no way to confirm it; since one person can’t ever know another person’s thoughts 100%. we have to sense it and then hold on to it after believing in it. like holding on to hope that one day your poetry volume would be accepted and published. hope should not be let go. love should not be let go.
i am holding onto something precious. time would tell if it is true love or not. but the whole point is i’m happy and i’m not doing anything bad (except in my country; being gay is the worst of crimes. we scuttle around like rats in hiding…but we never fail to be together). I don’t want to marry him even if we could. but i want to be with him forever. and i know that even if he MIGHT by some twist of chance leaves (possible because we’d both be good as killed if anyone finds out the truth and he’d never want to hurt his family that way); i’d never stamp on love. never ever. if u let go of love; let go of hate too.
“i’d never stamp on love.” That is one of sweetest things i have ever read.
I am a gay male who doesn’t get along with men period. Men regardless of sexual orientation don’t like me and treat me like an outcast. I never did anything to them.
Men are weird creatures trust me. I don’t go to baths,bars,crusing,porno/adult theaters. I don’t fit in with men. I just try to be myself, and hell with them.
I don’t fit in modern society period. I try to live easy,simple and close to earth. Don’t own a computer but use a library computer. No car. No phone. Never use my cell at all. mainly for business. I try to not spend money on useless materialistic junk. There are people better off than americans who don’t have a lot of money. We usually feel pity or sorry when we are the ones who should be pitied.
Money doesn’t make the world go around. Gay men as well as breeders think that way. Genre,Advocate,Out,Gay Times,etc force Gays to think materialism is the best way. GQ does the same.
okaaaaay?
you know i so agree with you i have problem with other gay guys but its just they just can’t sit down and act normal they have walk around with chanel bags, wear booty shorts, give you the dirtiest looks, act like a bunch of gay designers with high pitch voices. seriously is it hard to find someone who’s normal and does normal things like go to the movies or go hang out at a museum without having to walk the streets like its a freakin runway.
I am with you on this blog. But, i try to give everyone a chance, but its so frustrating
Hey Orville! Perhaps you should relocate to a smaller university town, you may find more guys who are of your intellectual level. I live in Gainesville, FL (home of Univ of Florida) and the population here is overall more enlightened an educated than surrounding areas. There is less shallow fakeness and pretention that you complain about in Toronto.
I sympathize with what your saying. In general gay men aren’t very nice to me and my partner of 10 years since we don’t seem to fit into typical gay culture- and thus we get along better with straight couples. We are fairly average looking, value monogamy, and desire a family oriented kind of lifestyle. So bottom line, I am sure there are other communities that might fit more of who you are.
Hi Justin, I have been thinking about leaving Toronto. Toronto just isn’t exciting anymore. I wonder if America is better for gays and lesbians than Canada?
Not sure to tell you the truth. Canada seems to be more progressive in that regard. Our country still has issues with homosexuality, and many states still do not allow gay marriage, nor are gays and lesbian domestic partnerships recognized at the federal level. We still don’t get the same tax breaks and benefits that hetero married couples do, even though we function in the same way (work, cohabitate, pay bills/taxes, etc.) I have a feeling change is coming but it will be a while! But if nothing else you might get some fresh perspective if you lived here for a few years a tried out a smaller city that is still tolerant and diverse. I have found that love is harder to find in the big cities for whatever reason, maybe because people have agendas and are so busy, I dunno? Would Ottawa be a good place to live (if you wanted to stay in Canada?)
You are correct Justin, America does seem more conservative these days compared to Canada. But in terms of jobs I feel America has more opportunities especially for writers and other artists.
Well if I do go to graduate school I think I may leave Toronto
for another Canadian city or town. I want new experiences.
What’s up, just wanted to say, I liked this post. It was practical. Keep on posting!