I Have A Confession: I Do Not Get Along With Gay Men

I know this might sound strange but I have a confession to make I don’t get along with gay men very well. I will be honest I really don’t.

The majority of the  gay men I have met are materialistic, superficial, racist, sexist, ageist, anti lesbian,  anti feminist, and also anti straight. Now I am not suggesting all gay men are like this.

One of the odd things I have learned is some gay men don’t like lesbians. I wonder why? I don’t have a problem with lesbians or lesbianism. I remember there used to be a lesbian bar called “Pope Joan” in Toronto and on Friday nights were the best! 

One of the things  I love about lesbian bars is the fact the DJ understands the audience likes a variety of music.   The DJ at “Pope Joan” used to play hip hop, R&B, soul, funk, jazz, ballads, even country music once in a while.

I hear “Pope Joan” is out of business but that sucks I love that bar!

The gay bars in Toronto are boring because there is no diversity in the music. The DJ plays music for a Eurocentric crowd and the music is always dance or techno music. I hate techno music! 

The best bars and clubs in Toronto are not gay bars anyway they are the straight clubs because at least the DJ will play different forms of music.

On New Years Day one acquaintance called me up out of the blue this gay man starts asking me what I did on New Years Eve. I start to talk and then he “hangs up” on me. I was shocked!

 A couple people I know have said they find this particular gay man  to be  very superficial. In the past I defended him I said he’s a nice guy. I am not suggesting this gay man isn’t a good person. I will just say I do agree with the comments I have heard. I do feel this particular gay man is very  “superficial”.

 Isn’t that weird? Why would someone “hang up” on somebody and not even say “goodbye”? I  decided to just move on and not talk to him. I don’t want to argue with this particular gay man because  I feel I have nothing to say to him.

 I just think he is petulant for hanging up on me for no reason. It doesn’t make any sense? Why call me at all if you are going to be rude?

 However, I think there are only two gay men I have ever met in my entire life that I actually thought were nice men.

I think making “homosexuality” the center of your life is boring that’s just my personal opinion. I hope on this blog I convey the message that being “gay” is not my entire life.

In fact, I honestly believe being gay can be a lonely existence and that’s something I have been thinking about as I get older. I don’t want to have a child and I don’t like animals. I know there are gay men that buy toy dogs and dress them up as children but I don’t like dogs. The only pet I would own is probably a cat.

 The issue of loneliness and homosexuality is something so many gay men don’t want to talk about. The gay culture is very youth orientated. Right now I may be “young” but I know as I get older I notice things. I notice how pretentious gay men can be. I notice how “age” is so important and this relates to gay male culture. I don’t see lesbians have this fixation on youth or how a person looks or beauty.

I am not sure if “being gay” is enough for me to be happy.

I am not sure “if” I want to be “gay” anymore. I hate Toronto’s gay scene it’s boring and dry. I hate the gay bars I rarely ever go to them. I hate the bathhouses seeing the same people over and over again. I hate everything about this city.

Why are so many gay black men in Toronto hiding? Or maybe the real question is where can I find them? I know gay black men and other gay men in the city of Toronto are “around”. I just don’t know “where”  are they ?

 I think I am in the wrong place. Obviously I want to make changes in my life and the only person that can change my life is me. I do believe I want to travel more to see America or England or something. I have only visited America  few times and I was impressed there seems to be more to do there . There appears to be more black gay activism in the USA but maybe that relates to the safety in numbers?

I think Americans have a false impression that Canada is some multicultural utopia and this is just not true. Canadians can be very racist, sexist, homophobic, as well.

 Canadians are just more hypocritical in relation to the issue of social injustice. Some Americans believe because same sex marriage is legal in Canada that the country is perfect for gays and I strongly disagree.

I don’t agree with gay marriage for myself. I am not against other gay people getting married. I just don’t  believe I will ever marry another man. I know it’s not going to happen and so I try not to think about it. I don’t believe in all that “true love” bullshit.

 Why would I marry a man that is going to cheat on me anyway? Everyone knows gay men are promiscuous and this is true it is not a stereotype.  I think the issue of promiscuity relates to the topic of  “sexual freedom”.

In gay male culture “sexual freedom” is the cornerstone of being “gay”. Gay men strongly believe “sexual freedom” is so important it overides everything. For instance, why do people think bathhouses are in business?

Gay men or bisexual men or “men that have sex with other men” across the world travel to bathhouses to explore this “sexual freedom”.

A lot of the people that visit gay bathhouse are also gay men that are  in “relationships.” The ideology is this a lot of gay men believe in “open relationships” meaning that both partners agree that sleeping with someone else on the side is okay for a relationship to work. Is this really true though? Does this really work? I don’t know?

 One gay guy I got along well with was a Guyanese gay man  we were close friends since I was a teenager but we are no longer talking we just drifted apart. The Guyanese guy met a gay guy fell hard for the guy only this guy broke his heart. Although the last time I spoke to the Guyanese gay guy he says he is still friends with the toxic gay man.

 He did a lot of stupid things for this guy for instance he got involved in shop lifting, theft, drugs. It was actually very sad to be honest.

 Our friendship ended because I just couldn’t deal with all of his problems I did not know what to do anymore. I could not comprehend how such a smart young man would get involved in such nonsense. I did not understand why he would put himself in danger just “for” another man?

The good news is the last time I talked to the Guyanese gay guy was over a year ago and he appears to be getting his life together. He has a new lover and he is happy. He also is a very talented photographer. 

The other gay man that I get along with  is my close friend is South Asian we have been friends for over six years. He says I have “gay man trauma”. Maybe he’s right I don’t know?

 What I do know is this most of  the gay men I have met I am just not impressed with them. The gay men I have met are obsessed with sex, they are judgmental, rude, and obnoxious.

I also realize I don’t need to “just” be friends with homosexuals in order to enrich my life. I think my quandary is for a long time I felt that I placed too much importance on “being” friends with  gay men.

I now understand through introspection that gay men are just like anyone else in society we have our own biases, prejudices, our own views. The only similarity is our sexual orientation.

I also admit I have biases about straight people. Now of course there are straight people that can be homophobic but I also am learning there are straight people that are actually nice people. I guess I just have to give them a chance.

Maybe I should apply the same philosophy to my biases I have with other gay men? I “want” to be more open minded about “gay men” maybe my bad experiences have clouded my judgment? Maybe I do need to become more open minded?