I Miss Him
I miss him I have to tried to be strong and confident to just forget about him but I can’t. I have been given advice to just “forget about him and move on”. I wish it was so simple but of course it is not. I had known this man for almost six years he has a very special place in my heart. We were just friends for most of the six years until we crossed the line and became more then friends this spring and summer. I guess we were always attracted to each other I wonder to myself “why did we cross the line?” We resisted the temptation for almost six years so why didn’t we just resist it even more? I guess I don’t have the answer to that one.
The last time I saw him was on October 1st 2008 because we weren’t able to meet on my birthday on September 26th. He was so sweet he bought he the Golden Girls seasons I and II on DVD. I was very surprised that he bought me the Golden Girls for my birthday.
Maybe he was just being nice? I guess I haven’t contacted him because I don’t know what to say to him. I guess he hasn’t contacted me because he doesn’t want me to read too much into it? Perhaps this is the reason he hasn’t contacted me? He is not very loquacious he seems to send messages through his actions and not words. I wish he would be more open with me.
If he has moved on to someone else this is fine this is a part of life that I must accept but I am tired of wondering “what if” and this is the reason I have written this blog entry. I just want to move on with my life.
He also bought me a small brass guitar that fits on my key chain on Saturday I lost the golden guitar and that sucks. I looked everywhere for the brass guitar and I can’t find it.
On October 1st 2008 we also watched the movie “Lakeview Terrace”. He paid for the dinner after the movie and drove me home and that was the last time I saw him. The Golden Girls is my favorite TV show of all time! I have finished watching seasons I and II of the Golden Girls. I now have to buy seasons three through season seven I am addicted to the Golden Girls!
However, I wish we had talked about the miscommunication between us. If we talked more openly on October 1st I could of had closure and moved on I guess. I wish I had the courage to speak more freely. I asked him “did you miss me” he said “I thought of you”. We didn’t talk about the real issues. He basically vanished after that day.
I have thought of many scenarios in my mind I thought about visiting him at his house but I immediately changed my mind because he is not out of the closet to his family. He is from a very conservative South Asian family.
I haven’t seen him in three weeks and the last time we communicated was via text on October 6th 2008. I admit that I do miss him but I don’t know what to say to him? I feel like I want closure though. I think to myself “why do I want to talk to him again? What will this achieve? What will contacting him accomplish? What will happen? Shouldn’t I just turn the page and move on?”
I feel that maybe I should try contacting him one last time. I dial the digits until I reach the last number I stop myself from calling him. I think to myself “well he’s not calling me so this must be the message the silence”. The silence could be the answer and I have to accept this?
I also wonder maybe he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore? Maybe he has already moved on? Maybe I should leave him alone? I don’t want look foolish or silly so I haven’t contacted him at all. Does he even care about me anymore? Maybe I am a distant memory in his mind? Maybe he just wants to move on with his life?
I have thought about calling him but I change my mind over and over again. I wonder will he even respond? Will he ignore my phone call? I guess this is the reason I haven’t contacted him because I am afraid.
I have thought about sending him a text message but then I wonder will he simply “delay” his response? Will he even respond at all ? Should I bother trying at all? I do miss him though but I don’t want to be a bother to him. He has a lot of friends anyway I guess he cares more about them then he does about me.
Gayblackcanada 
Hi!
I won’t pretend to know what is going on for you; the vulnerability you feel; the grieving that you may or may not be experiencing…
It sounds like you are in love with him… still,
and that’s ok.
It is what it is; it’s ok to have whatever feelings you’re having; without trying to change anything.
Closure will come when it comes, not when you want it to. As much as we want it, need it, grasp it, chase it or run from it; closure will happen spontaneously on its own; in its own time. While you could endure another contact, putting things on the table; expressing your fears and desires, you’re sadness and pain, one more contact will not fix what feels unfixable, now.
Now, it’s time for you. You need to take care of yourself. Your attention needs to be off him and on you ~ if you really want the healing of closure to begin. It will take attention and time; it will take patience and understanding on your own part. You need to care about more about yourself now, than him; he can take care of himself, or not.
Why is it so much easier to think about another than ones Self?
Why is it so much easier to worry about another’s needs, sacrificing ones own?
Be gentle…
m
Thank you for your words of wisdom and kindness I appreciate it. I believe your statement has some veracity to it.
hello-
i recently started reading your blog (think i found it by looking up black canadian bloggers..) i very much like it. felt compelled to comment on your recent post. i agree with the previous poster that you should take care of yourself. but i do tend to think it is better to have some closure sooner rather than later, even though it may be difficult. is there any way you can meet with him, face to face, and have a talk about how you feel and ask him how he feels? perhaps that is too scary. i’m speaking as someone who has tended not to say how i feel, but often regretted it later. or if meeting face to face doesn’t work, perhaps you could send an email asking for a response. if no response to some direct, clear questions, then at least you’d know… just thinking aloud. hope you find some peace over this.
k
Hello missinpiece thank you so much for reading my blog please tell your friends and spread the word about my blog. I appreciate your interest in my blog. Thank you for the advice I thought about writing a letter and just mailing it to his address. I am searching my room for his mailing address.
But maybe an e-mail is easier and if I don’t get a response at least I will know right? I thought about e-mailing him but I am not sure what I will say? I guess I will have to do this very soon. Maybe he is afraid to tell me that he has already moved on? But I guess I want closure so I can just move on with my life.
I also thank you for your advice and kind words. I agree with zenshredding that I must take care of myself first. I also agree with your perspective as well that sometimes it is better to get closure now.