I Have Given Up On Him: Time To Move On

 

Of course, I don’t want to admit the truth but it is obvious that I am tired of this guy’s emotional games and it seems he isn’t  interestred in me anymore. I guess this is life. I am also  tired of his bullshit all the smokes and mirrors.  He doesn’t love me and I don’t need someone in my life that is vague.

I also realize he loves attention from gay men he has admitted this to me. I remember he told me a few times there is a South Asian guy at the local university that is interested in him. He claims he isn’t fucking this guy but he is just telling me what he thinks I want to hear. Obviously something is going on between them or between him and someone else. But hey that’s his issue right?

 When I told him that he should not “lead” the other South Asian guy on he said “so what it is not my fault if he doesn’t understand I just want to be his friend.” But when I told him it wasn’t right for him to “lead” the other South Asian guy on he said he “loves attention and it is “just fun”. But is it right? I believe it is not right to play with another person’s feelings and emotions. It is not right to lead another person on. I wouldn’t do that to someone I cared about.  I should of looked at the warning signals and the red flags sooner.

 He said once during a phone conversation “I am not perfect.” However, he admits he is manipulative. The question remains why does he act like this? Is it because he has low self esteem and not enough self worth? Perhaps he feels the “need” for attention from gay men to validate himself because he doesn’t have high self esteem? Whatever that’s his issue not mine. I guess he contacted me in late September early October not because he cared about me but because he wasn’t getting enough attention from another man. And I guess once he got the attention he wanted from the other guy he vanished.

 I know he doesn’t care about me because I haven’t heard from him in almost a week. I have tried in the past to keep in contact with him but it wasn’t until last week Monday I realized he was just stringing me along. He sees this as just “a game” to play with my “feelings and emotions.” Of course I view this as disrespectful and I won’t put up with that shit anymore.

  Yes, on October 1st I saw him and he took me out for my birthday. Although, I must mention my birthday is actually September 26th but that’s not the point. It was nice seeing him on October 1st but it also was bittersweet because we did not talk about the “real” issues between us. What is he so afraid of anyway? I hate making assumptions but I am guessing he was “afraid” of hurting my feelings telling me he met someone else. I don’t know? What I do know is I am sick and tired of the guessing game.

On October 1st I met up with him at the subway station and he gave me my birthday gift seasons I and 2 of the Golden Girls! I was so surprised because the Golden Girls is my favorite television show! The Golden Girls is very camp so that’s why I think the show is very popular with gay men. The jokes are just so funny and hilarious.

We went back to his cargo van to talk and he gave me a golden guitar that I put on my key chain. I think the gifts are wonderful and very thoughtful because he knows the Golden Girls is my favorite sitcom! Dorothy, Blanche, Rose, and Sophia have a special place in my heart. The program is hilarious. On the second season DVD there is an episode called “Isn’t it Romantic?” it is about Dorothy’s old friend Jean she is a lesbian and she tells Dorothy she is in love with Rose. I swear that episode is my favorite Golden Girls episode ever! I laughed so hard whenever I watch this episode. The episode “isn’t it romantic?” won an Emmy award because the episode dealt with the sensitive issue of lesbianism in such an honest way without being homophobic. Remember the Golden Girls was a hit in 1985 that was a long time ago!

We watched the  movie Lakeview Terrace the Samuel L Jackson movie at 7:00pm  it was very predictable and not that great a film. After the movie he said “you are in charge what do you want to do next?” So I said “okay let’s go downtown to Frans on College street and eat.” He paid for dinner I thought that was sweet and he drove me home. We danced around talking about the unresolved issues between us. I wish we had used that oppportunity to talk it was first time I had seen him in over a month.

I have tried talking to him. I recall a few weeks ago on a Thursday night I called him and he said “don’t diagnose me”. I wasn’t trying to make a “diagnosis” I was simply trying to find out how he feels. It is so frustrating trying to talk to a man that simply will not open up about his feelings. Does he have a heart of stone I wonder? Does he not have feelings or emotions? He acts so cold sometimes this is one of the reasons I have given up. I want a man that can open up to me, that doesn’t play bullshit games, that is honest and gives frank clear answers. I am tired of this bullshit.

It has taken me a while to understand this is just a “game” this push and pull bullshit. I am sick of it.

He is not out of the closet and his family doesn’t know that he is gay. He has become very involved with a South Asian group at the local university and that consumes a lot of his time. Since I am not South Asian I am guessing he is utilizing the South Asian group as a way to find support. I do recall in the summer he told me that his father has suggested he wants him placed in an arranged marriage with a woman. He told me his family has not found a bride yet so I guess that’s good news. The point is his family is definitely thinking about marrying him off to a woman in the next few years though. I have been given advice to not worry about this that it has nothing to do with me. Of course I care though about him.

It is so strange because I have known him for over five years but since we crossed the line of sin from being “just friends” to “dating”  to “not dating” he has become more  reticent about his feelings towards me. You would think knowing someone for over five long years that he would be comfortable enough to tell me how he feels. I guess he was just being “nice” taking me out for my birthday. Of course he didn’t have to but I guess he wanted to. The point is he vanished for a few days after I saw him on October 1st. Why did he bother to show up at all? Was it guilt? Was it because he wanted to? I wonder?

My sister said to me “why do you like him? What is so special about him anyway?” My sister says he is a “waste of my time” and he is “not honest.” She also says “you can do much better Orville. ” Maybe my sister is right? What is the point anymore?

He is all about “signals” and not about “frank clear answers”.  I understand now I have to discern from his “actions”  of being silent that he is keeping his distance from me. I haven’t heard from him since  Monday October 6th. I am so tired of this push and pull bullshit. I have to move on I have had enough.

 The point is I think he should have the guts to talk to me in a public place and tell me how he really feels.  But perhaps the silence is the real answer. What is the point of making assumptions?  I haven’t contacted him since he contacted me Monday morning via text because I feel like “why should I?” “What is the point anymore?” I can’t stand the “delayed responses” and all the bullshit.  I can’t stand contacting him wondering “when” he will respond. I think it is so rude to take two fucking days to respond to a text! It is total bullshit!  I don’t like playing games, and I prefer frank clear answers.

In early September he said does not want “a committed relationship”.  He believes a “committed relationship” means monogamy. I have never been “monogamous” to anyone in my life ever. I never asked for a “committed relationship” from him either. All I have acknowledged is that I have feelings for him. We did go out with each other but he has issues with intimacy.

 I am still trying to get my own life together. I honestly believe he has a fear of getting close to another man he has conflicts with his own homosexuality. And that’s a red flag right there. I realize I do need to be with someone that is totally comfortable with being gay. He sometimes changes the topic when this emerges but I honestly believe he is not accepting of his sexual orientation. So maybe it is the best that I never contract him again. Again what is the point? I am so tired of moving in circles.

The gay male community is a strange place where gay men value our sexual freedom. It is hard for some straight people to understand. I never stopped him from having sex with someone else the point is I couldn’t anyway right? I think he has a fear of intimacy though. I know it is hard for some women to understand but there is a difference between “love” and “sex”. “Love” is an emotional plus a physical connection two people have for each other. In my mind “sex” is a physical connection and attraction it is about a physical release. I can have “sex” with someone without being “in love” with the person. However, I cannot just have an “emotional connection” to just anybody that’s just not the kind of person I am.

I don’t know totally what I want but what I do know is that I can’t just be his “friend”. I admit it I lied to him I told him a few weeks ago we can be “just friends” but I can’t  “just” be his “friend” I have feelings for him. I wish I didn’t have feelings for him but I do. I honestly wish I did not have feelings for him because I don’t understand him anymore. I feel that he has changed.

What I don’t understand is why did he go all out for me for my birthday and then vanish? It doesn’t make sense? Why spend so much money on the Golden Girls DVD seasons 1 and 2? Why did he get me the golden guitar key chain at all? Why did he spend money to pay for dinner? Why did he drive me home? Why did he  vanish? Why did he bother at all? Seriously, if he didn’t care about me it doesn’t make things easier for me to understand what is going on?  Perhaps the silence is the real answer the truth about how he really feels about me?

I am so tired of making “assumptions” of wondering “why” so I have given up on him that’s it. It has been almost a week since I have heard from him and I just have to tell myself he is gone forever and that I must move on. I don’t like this vanishing game he is playing it is irritating and annoying. It is also very immature as well.

October 1st was the first time I had seen him in about a month. I asked him if he “missed me” he said “I thought about you.” When he parked the car by my house I extended my hand to give him a handshake and he gave me a hug.

I contacted him the Saturday on October 4th because I felt it was right to thank him for the gifts via text. He did not respond until two days later Monday morning on October 6th. He says in the first text that he had “forgotten my cell phone at home by mistake  when I was at the fair.”

I just don’t believe him I find this very  lame excuse and very hard to believe.  The reason I say this is because he always has his cell phone on him. He has a best friend a girl and she has been his best friend since he was nine years old. I doubt very much he would ever “forget” his cell phone and not a day goes by that he never contacts her! It seems to me this girl is “his life” he is very excited that she attends the local university. I asked him on October 1st if he is “in love” with her.  Maybe that’s the reason he is so conflicted about his sexuality it seems to me maybe he is bisexual or something it seems to me he loves this girl.  He would never “vanish” from her life for over a week but he treats me this way. He would “never” not make a day go by not “contacting” her but he treats me like a second fiddle.

Of course, his best friend the girl is a higher priority in his life then I will ever be. I understand and accept this. I cannot compete with the girl I know I will lose she is his best friend she is basically his life it seems. I just think it is so lame for him to lie to me telling me he had “forgotten” his cell phone at home. He must be lying it makes no sense. He loves his cell phone!  So I wonder why would he lie to me? What is the point of lying at all? I bet he talks to the girl every single day or texts her every single day yet he treats me with such disdain.

However, I never asked him for his reasons for the delayed response. I realized that moment “what is the point anymore?”  It sucks because I have known him for so long but this is not what I want. I don’t need this heartache and this pain. I don’t need this anymore. I know it hurts right now but I realize I must maintain my vow to never contact him ever again it just isn’t worth it.

I don’t need someone in my life that is vague, evasive, and full of smokes and mirrors. I don’t need a vanishing man that suddenly appears and disappears without giving a reason. I don’t know what’s going on in his life because he hasn’t told me. Of course I care about him but I have to think about myself here. It will be tough letting go but what point is there? He doesn’t love me it is obvious through his actions, through not contacting me. It is so easy to text, e-mail, and call. Yes, I have tried to reach out to him but I have done enough. I can do no more.

I have given up on him maybe this is for the best. I am not happy about the decision I made last week Monday but I have to do this. I understand he will never change no point in  trying to make a man change.

There is no point for me to try to be “in contact” with him when he doesn’t make the effort to be “in contact” with me. I accept the fact he is gone. I am tired of his emotional games, I am tired of the rollercoaster of feelings and emotions. I am sick of his bullshit. I have had enough. I am sad but I guess it is a part of life. I thought we had a “connection” I guess I was just kidding myself. What is the point moving in circles over and over again?  We have nothing anymore he is gone. I have to accept this and move on with my life.