Reconciliation

Last week Tuesday, during the evening I received a phone call from someone very close to me but there has been tension between us for the past month. Anyone that is paying attention to this saga knows we had a few arguments in the past month. I was being immature not examining my own life, my own self doubts. He has his own life and struggles. I think I was mad about myself and I was taking my frustrations out on him and that is totally unacceptable and unfair on my part.

I began to question myself and what I want out of my own life. I self loathe too much, put myself down far too often but that’s not his fault that’s my issue. I isolated myself and that’s never a good thing. I began to question do I really want to be a writer anymore? I know I can improve on myself and my work in so many ways to be more proficient. My work has been rejected so many times lately I am sick of it. My B.A. degree can only take me so far on this unresolved journey in my life. I need to do more for myself and try harder.

I applied to two M.A. creative writing programs. I also filled out an Ontario College Application form and I am applying to more practical programs. In Canada, there is an attitude that college is below university but now I realize college is probably even better. During my undergraduate days I learned a lot about theory but I am not sure I learned a lot about substance. I realize that I have expand myself and move beyond the invisible barriers that have held me prisoner for the past few years. The depression, unhappiness, despair, regret, and pain, has surrounded me for far too long. Its not his fault that I feel inadequate that’s my responsibility. After all, its my life.

We talked for over an hour about the recent strain between us. He suggested we meet in downtown Toronto  last week Wednesday to talk. I must admit I was a bit nervous seeing him. I wasn’t sure what we were going to say to each other? I haven’t seem him for a month so I didn’t know what to think? I was a bit nervous and scared. Would things be weird between us? Would there only be silence? Can we shatter the canyon of silence and elicit the truth? Would things flow and click when we talk to one another like before? I kept on thinking to myself I have to think of topics to talk about? I thought to myself on the Go Bus maybe I will ask him about this two sisters as a way to break the ice.

I caught the Go Bus and reached St. George subway station around 11:45 am. I am not sure if it was fate but we literally bumped into each other after getting off the subway at St. George! I had nothing to worry about the conversation was normal between us. Now of course, we were both surprised because we were supposed to meet at Bloor subway station but we  both reached St. George at the exact same time!

Anyway, we decided to take the subway down to College subway station and walked down to Dundas to a restaurant called Frans. Frans is a Toronto institution known for its great hamburgers, fries, and side orders. My friend he ordered a garden vegetable hamburger, lemonade, and tortilla chips. I ordered a cheese burger and fries. I noticed that he had shaved he looks handsome when he shaves. He admits that when he doesn’t shave it makes him look older. He told me that he shaved for me so I thought that was nice.

It took us an hour to finish our meal. After our meal he let me know he had two joints and wanted to smoke up. He suggested we go to a park but I thought that since it was just the afternoon it wasn’t a great idea.

Next, he suggested we visit the Toronto Islands and smoke some weed and hang out there instead of just shopping. I thought it was an excellent idea! It was spring so the weather wasn’t too cold to visit the Toronto Islands. We took the subway down to Union station caught a streetcar to travel to the ferry. The ferry ride cost $6 dollars Canadian and we boarded the ferry at 2 pm. I was surprised that the ferry was basically a tug boat. I have visited the Toronto Islands before and the ferry is usually more glamorous.

I guess since it is still winter season we went to Ward Island instead of Center Island. The ferry ride was wonderful the sun was shining, there was a slight gentle breeze, it was slightly windy and the water was the typical ghoulish green tinged color. Yes this is Toronto a place where the water is green. Anyway, we smiled and chatted. The Toronto skyline and the CN Tower was in the background as my thoughts burned into the sky.

Next, we arrived at Ward Island around 2:15pm we walked to a secluded area by some ornate rocks and trees and we smoked some weed. He suggested we do a “super” also known as a “shotgun”. I was thinking to myself “what is a super?” I had never heard of a “super” before. He is more experienced then me when it comes to smoking weed. A super is basically when the joint is almost finished and one person lights the joint and blows the smoke directly into the other person’s mouth.

When you do a “super” your lips are close to the other person’s lips so the weed travels directly into your mouth. It was an interesting feeling we did the “super” a couple more times. I don’t know if you can call a “super” a kiss but according to the information I’ve read a “super” is considered “intimate”.

We’ve kissed before though in the university newspaper’s office four years ago. I remember we were having a conversation and I closed my eyes to blink and then his lips were on mine. He also wrapped his arms around me but you know what was weird? After the kiss we didn’t speak to each other for an entire week after that. I guess we both freaked each other out?

Anyway, after we finished the joint we walked on the beach littered with cans, pop bottles, and broken sticks, he said “can we make up”. I said “sure”. The interesting thing about Ward’s Island is that not many people live there its actually a very quiet place. Next, we held hands and walked to some rocks at the edge of a cliff. It was beautiful looking at the rolling waves of the water splash against the rocks. He suggested we take some photos together. I noticed we never had any pictures together. He took some photos of me with his blackberry/phone standing by myself on some rocks and we also took some photos together.

One thing I’ve noticed is some of my blog entries have ended up on other websites such as Msnbc.com, Espn.com, and WTAWorld.com and other websites. Isn’t that interesting? So I can understand his perspective that he doesn’t want his photo on my blog and I respect his decision.

He actually has a picture of us together on another internet website. He doesn’t want his picture on the blog because he fears someone might “find out” about his sexual orientation and I respect his perspective. The interesting thing is though the other website that he posts pictures I think has a lot more hits then my blog. My sister told me I shouldn’t post pictures of myself either on this blog because she says it could be dangerous. I do recall receiving some weird messages from people that were mad at me about certain blog entries. In fact, one weirdo threatened me and told me he was going to find me. Weird stuff man! The thing is with wordpress I receive every single IP address of the people that want to post comments on this blog. The vast majority of the people that post comments on this blog are mature though.

I think its interesting that in some ways he’s actually more “out” about his sexual orientation then I am. It is inspiring to me that he has the courage to be “out” to most people that interact with him. I am the opposite my family knows about my sexual orientation, and yes I write, and yes I get published. The interesting thing about me is I am actually very cautious in the public sphere whom I disclose my sexual orientation to.

He’s “out” to friends and acquaintances, he’s “out” at the university, he’s even “out” at the South Asian group at the university. He was elected to a leadership position at the South Asian group recently. He told me that one of his sisters knows he is gay but the other sister most likely suspects he’s gay but they haven’t had the conversation about it. The only people that don’t know about his sexual orientation are his parents. I sense he’s a little bit nervous when I write these blog entries but I’m a writer. I have to write that’s how I express myself. Now of course, I understand now I do have to have more sensitivity when writing these blog entries. Words are powerful sometimes even more powerful then actual actions and language.

Next, we had a frank and serious discussion about the sexual tension between us. He is also younger me and maybe he needs to experience life a bit more? We admitted we are sexually attracted to each other but we also have known each other for over five almost six years. In fact, the first time we met was in December 2002 at the university at a gay and lesbian meeting. He tells me the first time he met me he thought I talked too much. I admit I am loquacious. It is kind of funny the first time we met through a mutual female friend at tense meeting between the gay men and the lesbians.

The direction of the gay group was crumbling and some gay men felt the lesbians were taking over the group. I have to admit the meeting in December 2002 was very intense. We kind of drifted off from the gay group with another friend and ended up at the school newspaper. The school newspaper was very gay positive and very friendly to gay men so we ended up going there.

We both decided why ruin a solid friendship? I love him and he told me he loves me but sex would change things. What is sex anyway? Sex is two hard bodies and a quart of rum stirred in a room. Is sex a connection, destination, or is sex something else? I mean I kind of still have body image issues. I am still trying to get my act together. I can admit this. I don’t like the way my face looks its just not thin enough. I am proud that I’ve lost about 30 pounds and I do look much slimmer it feels good to lose weight.

I’ve been in the situation in the past where I have been friends with some gay men only to have sex change the entire configuration of the friendship. I will admit though the other gay guys and I were more like acquaintances. I didn’t really know them long enough prior to sexual activity.I do remember the end result though the other gay guys I had sex with well they didn’t talk to me the morning after let’s just put it that way.

Actually, that’s not entirely true there was one guy I had known for six months from late 1999 to around the early part of 2000. We met at a gay group we hung out, we had sex, and then I never heard from him for six months. This particular guy he read an article of mine in Xtra! Canada’s largest gay newspaper and he wanted to pick up where we left off. But I didn’t appreciate the way he treated me and I knew I couldn’t turn back the clock. The conversation was strange between me and that guy and bizarre and that was the end of it.

Meanwhile, back on Ward’s Island at the beach my friend he told me as he hugged me that we have intimacy with each other . We were sitting on some rocks as the waves of water splashed around us. He says that a lot of gay men don’t have intimacy with one another. I think we have something special that is beyond sex and that’s intimacy. I think intimacy is an issue a lot of gay men don’t want to discuss it is the ability to have an emotional connection with another gay man. We cried, laughed, hugged, and talked about anything and everything.

I think my feelings are valid and legitimate about feeling upset last month but I also realize his feelings are valid as well. He was upset at me last month because I looked at his diary in his room and I invaded his privacy. I made sure I apologized face to face because talking to someone on a phone and apologizing is just words. When you look into someone’s eyes and apologize it is different it is sincere. He let me know my apology is accepted.

I understand now he has his own life and I have mine he has a right to meet new people and so do I. I also am cognizant of the fact I am a very important person in his life and he let me know this last week Wednesday. I cried it felt good to know that I have someone in my life that honestly cares about me . I have had superficial relationships with gay men in the past. The superficial relationships were about the usual gay resume of topics such as music, sex, gossip, clothes and other frivolous topics but never anything serious. We are different we have this emotional connection to each other and we want each other to be happy.

We caught the 4:15pm Ward Island ferry and returned to the mainland. After that we took the subway to Queen Street West and went to a cafe. He had two pieces of carrot cake and a cup of tea. I had a slice of cheese cake and some fresh juice. We decided to travel to Spadina around the University of Toronto and I bought a collection of Evelyn Lau’s collection of Short Stories “Choose Me”. Everyone knows I love Evelyn Lau’s work so I just had to buy this book! I think Evelyn Lau is one of Canada’s most talented young writers and her writing is filled with pathos, passion, pain, and incredible honesty.

A bit past 6:00pm he suggested we have dinner at an Indian restaurant. I had never been to an Indian restaurant before. I was a bit nervous. It was interesting to experience eating food from another culture. I do remember my mother making roti before when I was a kid but I haven’t eaten a lot of Indian food. The first appetizer was a piece of bread called naan it is thicker then roti.

I am so conditioned and used to eating food from the Occident. It was nice to try something new. Now since I have a Caribbean background of course I’ve eaten curry chicken, curry goat and seasoned food before. Anyway, we went to the Indian restaurant and he ordered lamb that was seasoned with curry it tasted great. I watched him take the piece of naan and a piece of lamb and eat it. I did the exact same thing I picked up a piece of naan with lamb and ate it. It tasted really good. I recognize this lamb I feel like I have eaten it before. I ordered a drink called a mango lassi it was delicious. The mango lassi is basically mangoes, yogurt, and sugar it is a fabulous drink.

Finally around a bit past 7:30pm last week Wednesday we decided it was time to go home I had a good time it was nice seeing him again. I will have fond memories when I think about that day. We were honest with each other and were able to open up to one another as well.

I arrived home around 9:30pm. I don’t know why but I felt guilty about eating a cheeseburger, and the slice of cheesecake so I decided I better hit the treadmill and start working out. I worked out for about 45 minutes of cardiovascular activity and I lifted some weights after. I took a quick shower to cool off and I decided to read some Evelyn Lau’s amazing collection of short stories “Choose Me”. I will review “Choose Me” by Evelyn Lau a little bit later on this month or perhaps early next month.