Is This The End?

I can admit I am not the easiest person to get along with. Why should I lie about this? I am also an emotional sensitive person. I am complex. I can be insecure and reticent at times, I can isolate myself from other people, not wanting to talk to anyone. There are moments when I don’t want to talk to anybody and I just want to be alone in the darkness.

Other times I can be outgoing and loquacious. I guess if you ever read this blog you would know I can be dramatic at times. I can be temperamental, moody, and edgy too. I am cognizant of the fact that these character flaws are a part of me. I am also not a wallflower.

I am also a loving person and if I care about somebody I let the individual know about it. If I love someone I show it. If I love somebody he is going to know about it. I don’t hide my love I never have and I never will. I don’t hide my feelings either. I refuse to dissemble my emotions this is not my personality. I don’t placate. I’m not exactly the most outgoing kind of person but if I love and care for someone I will let him know it.

On Sunday afternoon I received a bombshell during a conversation from a guy I thought was my friend. Is he trying to make me feel jealous? And if he is trying to make me feel jealous why? I don’t understand? Is he trying to tell me something? I guess he’s saying this new guy he met at the university is more important to him then me. So why does he even bother calling me at all?

The friend told me that next year he’s moving in with some new man he met at the university this past school year. He didn’t even ask me if I wanted to live with him? But then again, I am not sure I want to live with anyone else anyway? But that’s not the point now is it? The point is the friend didn’t ask me. Why does he talk to me anyway? I mean this new person is so special and wonderful maybe he should make it permanent and be around him all the time? At least I wouldn’t have to hear about it?

Isn’t this interesting? I already had a conversation with the friend about his passive aggressive attitude and he admits he can be reticent. He definitely separates people into different categories it seems. My perspective is this guy shifts from one person and leaves the other person in the dust. During a phone conversation on Saturday the friend he says he doesn’t always feel the need to say things.

Well what am I supposed to do read his mind? I’m not Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost! I’m not Dionne Warwick and the Psychic Friends Network! I’m not Ms. Cleo! I can’t read minds telepathically through a telephone! If he’s got something to say speak up don’t be coy!

I do wonder if this has anything to do with the issue of race? I am going to be honest here my friend is South Asian and I am black. The guy my friend has been spending a lot of time with lately is also South Asian. Perhaps the friend can relate to the other South Asian guy because they share the same culture? Maybe I am just out of the loop? And perhaps this is more about my friend growing as a person I guess? Maybe we are too different? Is it a racial or cultural divide going on here perhaps? I am not South Asian, I can’t speak Hindi or Punjabi. I wish I could speak another language. I do know a bit of French I am not fluent in French though. I always thought about improving my French skills but that’s another blog entry.

I don’t really know if Toronto has a black gay community? Maybe Toronto isn’t the city for me anyway? The African and Caribbean communities in Toronto have entrenched homophobia. The quandary is Toronto’s black gay scene is hidden. Maybe I should try harder to find it? I know black homosexual events take place in Toronto but many black gays have fun outside the boundaries of Toronto’s queer community. Many black gays and lesbians don’t bother to visit the gay epicenter of Church and Wellesley in Toronto. I can’t say I blame black gays for avoiding Church Street. Church Street can be an extremely pretentious place. In fact, there have been incidents of racism between black gays and lesbians and owners of certain Toronto gay bars.

I remember I was part of a group though during my undergraduate days run by SOY Toronto called Black Queer Youth Initiative. But I haven’t been to BQY in years. And I’ve moved beyond that phase in my life.

Maybe the racial and cultural issue is inevitable? Maybe this is just a part of life perhaps? Canada may be a multicultural mosaic but there is Little Italy, China Town, Little India, and other pockets of the city where various communities stick to their own. I mean people want to be around people they can relate to people of the same race right? Maybe because I am black I am not good enough for him? I have thought about this. Perhaps it only makes sense that he’s going to want to be more close to other South Asian people?

This friend he has been avoiding me like the plague for about a month yet he calls me just about every single day. I don’t understand? If he doesn’t want to see me why does he want to talk to me? Why does he call me everyday? Am I just supposed to be there for him all the time in spirit or what? He calls me and tells me about the problems he’s having with his family and his sisters. He tells me a lot of things that are deep yet I don’t see him. So I’m just supposed to listen and not talk about unresolved issues? Why? I am confused at times does he like me or not? Does he love me?

On Sunday afternoon I just decided I had enough. I just couldn’t talk to him. I needed some fresh air and I got out. I needed to take a walk and be alone for a while.

The friend called Monday evening and he says “how are you doing?” He acted as though nothing was going on. He seems to think whenever he “wants” to speak to me I am just supposed to drop everything to “listen to him”. I am not an automatic switch or something. He is totally taking me for granted! Why? I find this strange that he shifts from people he is definitely compartmentalizing his life. I don’t appreciate this. I don’t appreciate being pushed aside and then picked up when necessary.I don’t want anyone to pity me either!

I understand that people need to talk to other people because that’s how life is. I never said the friend cannot meet new people or socialize with other people. I never suggested this. However, what I don’t understand is what makes this so called friend think he can avoid me for about a month and expect me to be waiting for him whenever he feels like it? Give me a break!

Well maybe I don’t want to see him and maybe I don’t want to talk to him either. I mean does he even give a fuck about me? Does he love me? Does he care about what’s going on in my life ? The issue I have with this so called friend isn’t the fact that he’s spending time with other people. The central theme here is that he’s not spending anytime with “me.” He just jumps from one person to the next. I think that’s the main reason I am upset about right now.

Why should I be subjected to phone conversations when this friend is talking about the amazing experiences he’s been having. For the past month this friend he never said “well Orville would you like to see a movie or a play or go to a club or something?” No he didn’t! And when I did say to the friend the other day “what are you doing in April?” he didn’t provide an answer.

So why is this friend calling me all the time blowing up my telephone? Why talk to me at all? After all I am not really a part of this friend’s life anymore now am I? I mean why should I sit and listen to another one of these conversations while he’s talking about all of the so called fabulous things he’s doing with other people. I am sick of this!

I specifically told the friend in another phone conversation I don’t appreciate his passive aggressive behavior. I prefer the truth. It is obvious he is trying to create distance between us. If these new people are so amazing well then he should be around them. I am not stopping him. I don’t like feeling horrible and miserable. I mean he’s been avoiding me for the past month spending time with “other people”.

So why does this friend expect me to sit on the phone listening to him talk about these experiences? And why should I listen to him? Why should I stand for this bullshit?

I just decided to myself on Sunday afternoon as I was walking trying to collect my thoughts why should I play these games? We are adults here so let’s not play these mind games.

On Monday evening when the friend called I just said “I can’t talk to you right now.” And he said “are you going to call me later on in the evening?” And I replied “I just can’t talk to you right now.” I didn’t know what to say to him. I was so tense. The emotion within me was sizzling. I wanted to reach through the telephone and smack the friend across the face! I was throbbing with anger. I didn’t feel like having an argument because what’s the point about doing that?

I am not fighting it anymore. If this friend wants to move in with another guy well then move in with the other guy I’m not stopping him. I am not telling the friend to live his life. However, I also refuse to just “wait” around anymore. I’m not static I am a real, living, and breathing human being with blood, atoms, cells, and feelings. I’m not going to let anyone treat me like this either.

I am taking the advice I got and I am focusing on myself right now. I’m applying to some programs and I doing some other things to help myself. I had a meeting with a former professor last week and he said he is going to write a letter of recommendation for me. Last week Tuesday I also had lunch with the professor on campus and the friend said “well why didn’t you call me?” Well why should I? Well does my life revolve around this guy? He’s made it pretty clear that he prefers to spend time with this new guy he’s been focusing all of his energies on. I get it three is a crowd. I get the hint I’m not stupid. I’m too old for this bullshit.

There are so many things I want to accomplish such as getting another book published that’s like a top priority of mine right now. I have a lot of other issues going on in my life right now. I can’t even talk about the other issues with this friend because I am not even sure if I could anyway? I’ve made a decision I’m going to act like a mature adult here. Okay, I am calm now. I don’t want to scream and argue there is no point in doing this. If this friend wants to be around this other guy so much then do it? Just leave me out of it. Now if this friend wants to see me fine and if he doesn’t then that’s fine too. I’m not taking this anymore I have had enough.