Poem: Unattainable Crush by Orville Lloyd Douglas

You wake up every night twisting and turning on your bed trying to shake this fantasy. It feels like a pair of hand cuffs you can’t shake it off you won’t surrender. You don’t want the cold steel to be removed from your burning wrists. You want to throw the key away and remain a prisoner in this dream for an eternity.

The man’s words are intoxicating so alluring he draws you

deeper

deeper

deeper

Into a trance

The intense feelings continue to build and increase in your mind. You fall asleep and the fantasy picks up right where you left it the night before. You can see it in the man’s eyes this hunger, this flicker of hope but also of reticence. Could he be yours? Why doesn’t he belong to you? If only? If only? If only?

You open your eyes and sit up on your bed realizing this isn’t real yet when you fall back asleep it feels so right. You are at the edge of passion, of betrayal, of deceit, and pain. Standing at the cliff you would rather jump off to be with him than to live a boring life. You are ready to give up everything for this man in your fantasies he is everything you could of dreamed for in a man.

The man is closer to you then a celebrity you’ve actually met this man before. The man has been kind and affectionate towards you but he also is someone that you respect. At first you don’t think about him in a romantic sense because you don’t really know everything about him either. The man actually showers you with attention but you know two souls colliding could be dangerous like a car accident.

The smashing of bodies into the fire of your lust is deleterious. The danger is what excites you it invigorates you like an elixir. You desire and crave for more like a drunk you just can’t stop. You are so close to touching his skin, so near to his tender lips to touching yours. You can smell the aroma of the man’s breath, feel his strong manly hands squeeze your body tight in an embrace. You know whenever you are in this man’s arms you are protected he is a warrior he will valiantly fight for you. The fear of the man knowing and the stench of rejection is more fuel for you to continue to keep on going. The battle for the man’s heart is like an electrocution through your veins you feel so alive with him.

He can be a gay or straight man, he could be married, or maybe he is a doctor, police officer, fire fighter, paramedic, teacher, an acquaintance, or someone you’ve known for a long time. You think about him and you yearn for him but you know he can’t be yours because its too toxic leading to a disaster. The relationship can destroy lives but the unknown is precarious as well.

For some reason the man is within your grasp yet he is still so far away. You start to find this man more sexually appealing in your fantasies. In your dreams he can be anyone and he does anything you say and command. In your mind he’s perfect he can do no wrong. Yet in the end you wake up in a cold sweat realizing he’s an unattainable crush.