Am I Just The Gay Friend?

I need to blow off some steam here so let me have this rant this taste of exploration and self discovery.I need to express myself so I am composing this blog entry trying to investigate my feelings and emotions to dig beneath the surface of my fears. Maybe I sound like I am self loathing or immature but I need to direct my thoughts from my mind on to the keyboard. I am going to talk about my frustrations right here and right now. I am so confused about my life right now.I need clear vision and some focus. I will admit I do need to focus more attention on myself more and my own problems. So I am going to write about something that has been on my mind.

Last night I decided to call a friend I have not heard from in a week. Why didn’t he call me for an entire week? I don’t understand? I think that’s kind of disrespectful. I muster up the courage to give the pal a call early this morning because I figure I need to get to the bottom of this. I need to know what’s going on here. I call the friend early in the morning close to 1:00 am. Anyway, the friend is in a cab on his way home he claims he just left a female friend’s house.

Maybe I am being jealous but I recall my friend telling me he has known this girl since he was a child they grew up together. I can’t compete with her? And I don’t want to compete with her. I know I would lose. I am not suggesting that my friend cannot talk to or socialize with other people. I hope I don’t come across this way. Of course I want him to talk and meet new people. Maybe I am the problem? I need to focus on myself a bit more perhaps?

I admit that’s a close bond my friend has with this girl they grew up together. I thought we had a close bond and friendship ? I thought he liked me? But I’ve noticed a pattern in the last few weeks. I’ve known my pal for over six years he is actually one of the few people that actually gives a damn about me. I can honestly say that. I believe he is one of the few people in this world that actually cares for me. I remember I had an incident in December 2007 and I was all distraught and depressed and he was very loving and affectionate visiting me.

He’s always been there for me and I’ve always been there for him on an emotional level. I really do care for him deeply I want him to be happy. I always wanted him to have internal and external peace. Now of course everyone’s journey is different. I should point out my friend is still in the closet about his sexual orientation his parents don’t know he’s gay. Perhaps this has to do with the fact my friend is living a double life? Maybe this has something to do with his reticence? He seems very cautious at times. I wonder why?

Our conversation was weird this morning there were some silent patches. Usually he is loquacious and this morning he wasn’t. There are fragmented thoughts, split seconds of silence, and a blank void of no noise. It just wasn’t one of our usual conversations when I don’t need to think and I can say whatever is on my mind. Last night I didn’t feel like I had the freedom that I had before when we talk. I felt like my thoughts and words were locked in a cage, and held in a prison. Early this morning I feel scared, frightened, like I am walking on a egg shells. I wasn’t sure if I should call but I decided I had to. For the first time in a long time I don’t know what to say to him? Why is there this canyon of silence?

I decided to shift the discussion into a direction that appears neutral I ask the friend about another person we know he becomes all excited talking about her. It now dawns on me that this friend lately in the past few weeks has only called me on the weekends to do gay stuff. We usually smoke weed, go shopping, go to gay bars, go to bathhouses I actually enjoy doing that stuff. It is the usual gay resume. I don’t mind doing that stuff but I always want to know more. Maybe I am a bit inquisitive? I want to peek into my friend’s mind see his real private life?

I have always asked my friend if I can visit his house. I have always been curious about my friend’s residence. I don’t know why perhaps I want to put some context into learning more about him? I’ve known him for over six years and yet I realized I had never visited his house before. I also understand my friend has conservative parents and they place a lot of pressure on him. The pressure is intense and maybe he is negotiating how to live in the public and private spheres? Am I out of line wanting to know more? Is this a valid emotion? Or am I being rude?

Finally a few weeks ago my friends parents went away to India for a wedding and vacation. Last week Monday my friend finally suggests that I visit his house. I was excited and it was a revelation. My friend’s house is beautiful he lives in a detached red brick house . He tells me that very few people actually have visited his house. The kitchen is expansive the cupboards are a solid oak wood color and texture. The tiles are linoleum. We walk upstairs to his bedroom and I notice his bedroom is quite small compared to the other bedrooms in the house.

My friend’s room is also a bit messy but I don’t mind. I see pants, socks, books, scattered across the dresser and room. Perhaps my friend was embarrassed that his room was messy? I don’t know? I guess he didn’t have time to fix up the room or something? My friend hands me a British gay magazine called Gay Times that he bought for me when he was in England last December. I flip through the magazine and sit on my friend’s bed. I give back the DVD copy of “My Beautiful Laundrette”, his hat, and some other stuff I borrowed from him. I glance out the window and look at the snow. The snow is a blanket the color of indifference, the color of unanswered questions, the color of thoughts in my mind.

My friend suddenly becomes nervous and suggests we go downstairs and have lunch. I am curious why is my pal so nervous anyway? I wonder why does my friend want me to leave his room right now? I mean I haven’t even gotten a chance to look around it. We start wrestling don’t ask lol! I think I am a bit stronger then my friend is and somehow we end up on his bed I am on top of him (with clothes on of course) and we are still wrestling. My friend says I am stronger then he thought I was. He says he’s into wresting.

I must admit something I should be honest while my friend was in the kitchen preparing lunch I noticed a book on his shelf and I opened it. It was an old diary of my friend’s from the earlier part of this decade. I opened it and looked at it. I know it was wrong for me to do this. Perhaps that’s why my friend is upset? I invaded his privacy. Or maybe he thinks me visiting his house is an invasion I don’t know?

I always wondered what does my friend’s house looked like. I mean my friend has seen my house before he knows where I live he’s been in my bedroom a few times. I thought we had a lot of fun last week Monday. My friend provides a tour of his house, we have lunch in the kitchen, I got to see his backyard. I thought it was a nice visit.

Anyway, my friends parents have just returned last week Tuesday from India. Suddenly, I don’t hear from my friend for an entire week. I wonder what is going on? Did I upset him in some way? Why the sudden distance? Did I do something wrong? Is he mad at me? Am I being insecure and sensitive? Am I just the gay friend? Is this all I am to him? Is this all he thinks of me? I’ve known this guy for over six years but in the last few weeks he’s been acting different. I hate this passive aggressive bullshit. If he wants to tell me something he should just say it!

Am I being sensitive here? Perhaps? I now realize I really need to get my own life. All week I was agonizing over the fact that this pal of mine was mad at me or something. Maybe he is mad at me I don’t know? Or maybe I am being overtly sensitive again. However, I sense a change in this friend. I was wondering why hasn’t he called me this past week?

I saw the friend last week Monday and I visited his house and he seemed okay. So why the indifference now? Is this friend trying to tell me something? I thought this friend and I were close because he tells me that he talks to me about things he doesn’t tell his two female confidants. He tells me things about the emotional issues he’s had within himself, he tells me about the conflict he has with his parents, he tells me about the problems he’s had with his sisters. He tells me a lot of stuff. I even asked the friend doesn’t he talk to his female friends about this serious emotional stuff? He says no. I am surprised.

Am I analyzing too much? I don’t know? I don’t want to be a bother to him I want him to be happy. Maybe he doesn’t really like me anymore? He started to attend a South Asian club at the university and I think that’s a positive thing. Its weird though the conversation this morning it was like I was talking to a stranger. He didn’t sound like himself. Maybe he was tired or maybe I am being too sensitive? I don’t know? Does anyone have any advice?